What is closure?
Closure is the explanation that is given when a relationship ends, as to why it is over, and what the terms of the relationship will be in the future. This conversation is typically the last one you have before you part ways. It tends to be when everyone calms down and can think rationally about what they want, and what is necessary in their progression. It allows everyone to know how they are going to act towards each other, what someone may have done wrong, and if there is any possible future with that person. Overall, it gives the basis on what should be done if you run into each other, or how you treat each other in the future.
Why we desire closure
Closure is something that is strongly desired when a relationship ends. When a relationship ends, and there is no closure it can give the person a sense of no control. There is nothing they know that could make them do better, nothing about how they are going to interact, and all of a sudden somebody that they are super close with, no longer communicates with them. This causes confusion and sadness for a person. It makes sense that closure is desired, just so that way you can understand where the other person is coming from during this detachment.
Recieving closure, and not liking the answer
Trying to get closure from someone may lead to receiving an answer you do not like or an answer you disagree with. During the closure conversation, it is important to go into it with the mindset that this is the end of your friendship, you are not trying to get them to take you back, you know that they do not want the friendship to continue, and you just need to ask your questions and move on. They may not answer your questions in a way that you believe is valid, you may want to argue their point, but it is important to remain calm and say what needs to be said. If you receive an answer that you disagree with, remain calm, ask for elaboration, and if the answer stays as something you do not believe is accurate, know that that is the only answer you are receiving and move on. It is hard to deal with, but at least at that time their answer is not going to change, and that is what you are left off with.
Questions to ask while recieving closure
Questions to ask during your closure conversation:
- How much contact are we going to have after this conversation?
- This question can be asked in many different ways, if you believe that you can no longer communicate with this person after the conversation, ask them to not speak to you. If you want to stay in touch with this person, but from a distance, tell them that you need your space but want to know that you can exchange “hellos” every now and then. Be honest with what you want, and make this conversation important.
- What could I have done better throughout our relationship?
- Asking this question gives you the opportunity to experience growth from the friendship. You can understand how the other person has felt and know what to do better in your next friendship.
- Are you sure that this is what you want?
- This question needs to be asked properly. This is not a question to ask to try to persuade the other person to change their mind and stick with you, but it is the question to ask so you receive that official closure that lets you know that it is over. Having someone officially tell you that they no longer want you in their life is heart breaking, but having it said blatantly leaves you to have no room for confusion. It is hard to swallow, but it is worth knowing in the long run that it is over.
Not Recieving closure
At the end of a friendship, it is possible that you may receive no closure. You may not know what happened between you and that person. It could be a situation where you just lost touch, and there really isn’t a need for closure. Other times a friendship can just deteriorate out of nowhere. There is no explanation, you remain confused and there is nothing you can do but move on. This is extremely difficult to do, but it is important to know that you will move on from it, even if it is hard. Sometimes people are only in your life for a season, and that season may come to an end before you are ready. Give yourself time to wallow, and then get up and move on. Do not let someone stop your growth. Wherever you are supposed to be is where you will end up, and whoever is supposed to be with you, will be there.