The Three Simple Ways I Learned to Make Sex More About Me

I remember my first serious sexual encounter with a boy like it was yesterday. I was 17 years old and he took me on a date to the movies. We ended up leaving the movie early and had oral sex in his car. It was very pleasurable for him when he was on the receiving end, but not at all enjoyable for me when positions switched. I’d put a lot of attention into making sure he was pleased, but he expressed no such attentiveness or interest and I cut the date short and went home. 

I can happily say that I haven’t had many experiences like that, but it’s pretty common. Most women can tell you they’ve had at least one, if not more, occasions in which they had sex and received no sexual gratification from the experience. We are in an era that seems to push for sexual liberation but there still seems to be little to no conversation or focus on how to actually increase women’s sexual pleasure with men. So how can we push for our gratification in the bedroom? 

  1. Recognize That Your Pleasure is as Important as Your Partner’s

The idea that women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex has been pushed on us for a very long time. Growing up, I thought that sex was going to be a chore for me, and there are a lot of women and girls I knew that believed the same thing. It took a long time for me to realize that it should be an enjoyable experience for both parties. While we have definitely progressed from this line of thinking, it’s clear that our orgasms are still not as valued as those of our male partners. Every woman needs to recognize that they’re pleasure matters just as much as their partner’s pleasure does and it’s important for their partner to recognize this, too. 

  1. Learn What You Like and Dislike

One of the best ways to ensure that you’ll get an orgasm is learning what you enjoy. I didn’t have many sexual experiences with men until I started dating my current boyfriend, so I hadn’t thought much about my likes and dislikes. Exploring my body and trying new things helped me to learn more about what doesn’t really interest me and what I want to do more often. And it’s important to know every girl’s desires are different; what makes one girl peak might not have the same effect on you. Foreplay is always a great way to learn more about what you like and is typically the most enjoyable part of sex for women, but you can also learn from just masturbating and seeing what you enjoy. 

  1. Communicate with Your Partner

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve had a hard time doing this in the past. I used to think it would somehow kill the mood to ask my boyfriend to change something he was doing. But there’s nothing mood-killing about trying to get your climax. It’s essential to be able to communicate what you want in the bedroom, whether it's with a casual hookup or long-term boyfriend. Don’t be nervous to share what you want. Tell them if something they’re doing isn’t working for you or if something they’re doing feels amazing and you’d like more of it. 

 Sex should be an equally pleasurable experience for all parties involved in it and although these may seem like simple steps, they improved my sexual endeavors with men significantly and I hope that they can do the same for you.