In a recent conversation with a man I met on Bumble that attends Furman, he told me that he thinks more girls at Furman have daddy issues than anywhere else. This really stuck with me. At first, I was like really? Why would there be more girls on this campus in particular with daddy issues than other places?
Disclaimer: This assertion was made by a cishet, white man with a nice dad. So I was tempted to dismiss his comment. I couldn’t let it go, and I decided to dig deeper on this issue.
First, lets define Daddy Issues by several different sources:
- Health Line– “It’s become a catchall term to describe almost anything a woman does when it comes to sex and relationships.”
- VeryWellMind– “…has no precise definition. Still, it’s become a popular catch-all phrase for how the relationship with one’s father in childhood impacts someone in adulthood, especially with a father who is absent or emotionally unavailable.”
- Urban Dictionary – “when a girl has a messed up relationship with her dad. usually the fathers fault. either he left or is acting like a total bitch. as a result the girl might be attracted to older men, or men with anger issues if her father was an angry man, and sometimes will stay in an abusive relationship because it would just feel like home. if he left, don’t ever blame yourself for him leaving. he just missed the best thing that he could have ever have.”
Now that we have a general idea of what we are talking about, let’s look at the history. There is a general consensus in the psychological community that the concept of daddy issues, which is not a medical diagnosis by the way, stems all the way back to Freud and his idea of father complex. He used this term to describe people who unconsciously make poor decisions because of their relationship with their father.
As psychologists have looked more into the concept of daddy issues, they have realized that this poor decision making is often because of the unhealthy attachment styles that absent and emotionally unavailable parents force us to develop.
As children, we need adults on which we can depend in order to learn how to form secure attachments. Adults who respond and react to your needs as a child are needed to develop secure attachment. You can read more about these attachment styles here.
What is fascinating is that the absent or distant father figure affects boys and girls differently. A study showed that girls with distant or absent fathers were more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors and were less likely to use birth control. Whereas the men in this study displayed more rage and less self-esteem.
The term daddy issues has often been used as derogatory. People use it as an insult to women who may be more sexually active, blaming their childhood for their promusciuity, regardless of their parents. This puts blame on the woman, despite her being just a child whose needs were neglected by the adults who brought her into this world.
I think at the beginning of the use of this phrase, it probably only included physical abuse – since the validation of emotional abuse is sadly a rather novel concept, especially for women. We live in a society where we are finally starting to hold men accountable for their actions, but we still have a long way to go. More women are able to recognize and grieve the damage that was done by their fathers; but the change starts with us.
I claim my daddy issues proudly. Yes, my dad was absent, neglectful, and abusive. Yes, his actions have affected the woman I have become. No, his actions are not my fault or my responsibility. No, I do not forgive him, but I am choosing to feel my feelings, mourn my loss, and try to help other women do the same.
So my answer to this boy would be yes. There are more girls today who recognize and claim the pain and mistreatment caused by their fathers and that is a good thing.