Cassidy’s Declassified 2020 Survival Guide

Well, fated reader, it’s less than a month into the new decade and the apocalypse is nigh. If you were lucky enough to come across this guide, you should be able to survive until the next decade. Before I provide you with my tips, let me prove to you that the world as we know it is ending, and soon. 

1. Fires in Australia

Although wildfires are not uncommon for the country and continent of Australia, the magnitude and number of fires that ignited well before the new year continue to burn despite much-needed rain. Some estimates report animal casualties as high as one billion, with some 25,000 deaths attributed to koalas alone. In addition, 24 people and over 2000 homes are thought to have been lost. Fires of this scale are only expected to become more frequent as climate change becomes more severe, surely a sign of the near end. However, a dark knight, Kaylen Ward, rose from the flames and raised an astonishing 1 million dollars for fire relief by offering nude photos to those who could prove they donated at least $10. So perhaps not all hope is lost. 

2. WWIII

The White House announced that top Iranian general Qasem Soleimaniin had been assassinated by an American drone strike on January 2nd. This led to immediate escalation in tensions between the two countries as well as the region as a whole. As Generation Z has known war in the Middle East our entire lives, we reacted the best way we know how, by making memes about it. Fortunately for us Americans, there hasn’t been a draft for decades and we have more than enough enlisted soldiers to handle yet another endless war in the Middle East. Unfortunately, the increased tension along with the hypersensitivity of the Iranian government was proven by their decision to shoot down a Ukranian commercial airliner. Meaning more innocent lives lost because of American greed and meddling. While we are safe on American soil, our actions as a country cause major wake across the world. 

3. Clearview AI 

Clearview is an AI program that has paired what is essentially a pair of Virtual Reality glasses that could potentially allow the wearer to identify any person seen through the lenses. Apparently, law enforcement agencies, on both federal and local levels, have used the tech to help solve cases ranging from murder to shoplifting to sexual assault. The goggles use facial recognition technology, something that has long been controversial due to its potential to be used to stalk and blackmail people. Law enforcement agencies are already using this software without informing people, and if we don’t ban it now, there’s little stopping us from escalating to the plot of the Terminator real quick.  

4. You, Season 2     

Viewers continue to freak out about this Netflix show in which the two main characters are both incredibly toxic and out of control, yet romanticized. Obsession and murder aren’t cute or admirable traits. People stanning unhealthy on-screen relationships isn’t new but if we continue to let this happen, our society as we know it is going to become less and less safe for women. 

These are very obviously the physical manifestations of the four horsemen, and they ride soon, my friends, so we must act quickly. 

Tips and Tricks

  1. Build a Shelter! Underground and hidden in the middle of Iowa is the best way to go! 

  2. Learn to Sew! You never know if you’ll have to sew your clothes or perhaps your skin post-apocalypse.

  3. Invest in Bees! Honey is the only food that never spoils, so stock up! 

  4. Aquaponics! Kill two fish with one stone so to speak. Produce your own food, pets, fresh water, and entertainment!

  5. Find an Exit Buddy! Undoubtedly the apocalypse will be a stressful time. You should choose your survival partner based on your strengths, weaknesses, star sign, and angle of your left big toe; otherwise your likelihood of survival will be drastically reduced.

  6. Prepare Weapons! Whether you want to go full 1920s mobsters and procure a tommy-gun or opt for a classic bat with rusty nails, it’s important to have weapons prepared and to not pull a Dick Chaney. Being able to properly use your weapons is of the utmost importance!

Practice! Buy and play lots of video games in order to prepare, the actual end of the world is sure to be just like one of those games.