I failed a test this week. Then, I had a dream that I failed out of college. The academic stress I’ve been feeling lately led me to reflect on my feelings revolving around academics, and I found there is A LOT there to unpack. I realized when I have done well in school, I have felt shame from my peers for it. However, when I have done poorly, I have felt shame from parents or teachers. Although we might not realize it, there is a culture surrounding academic performance that contradicts itself. Whether you grew up as a “smart kid” or as a kid who didn’t try in school, on either spectrum you’ve likely experienced shame from adults or your peers. Let’s unpack this, shall we?
When you are a young kid in school, it’s fun to be smart! Your parents and teachers applaud you for being smart, and the other students seem jealous of your academic ability. As you reach junior high and high school, the attitudes of peers begin to shift. It becomes embarrassing to admit you did well on a test or assignment when others did not. I’m sure you’ve experienced the awkward interaction of, “How did you do on it?,” and sharing something like, “um…I actually got an A.” It is much easier to admit you did poorly on an assignment when your peers also did, and it gives each of us a sense of community and ease when we fail together. Similarly with our peers, it is embarrassing to admit you worked long and hard on something, and it is much easier socially to say you hardly studied or prepared for something related to academics. However, if you worked hard to prepare for an academic assignment and performed well, why is it so uncomfortable to share it? While it’s hard to see others doing well when we don’t, we should congratulate our peers when they do well and not shame them.
The standards for academics with parents and other adults are much different. We are much more likely to brag to our parents when we perform well academically and tell them how long we prepared for it. Teachers often favor the “smart kids” that perform well, and students who do not put a lot of effort into school, or do poorly, are often shamed by teachers. There are so many instances growing up where I received a bad grade and felt shame when I thought of telling my parents, but felt relieved when I could tell my peers I failed with them, and vice versa. Even now in college, when I decline a night out to work on an assignment, I fear getting stereotyped as a try-hard by my peers. When I neglect school for social activities, I feel like I am disrespecting myself and my parents, who pay for my schooling.
All my life I’ve felt like I’ve been living in a weird paradox where the expectation from adults is to do well in academics, whereas the expectation in peers is to “not care” about school or put too much effort into it. To be honest, this double standard is exhausting and really does not make sense. We should be proud of ourselves when we academically perform well while encouraging our peers when they do well and put a lot of effort into their academics. At the same time, teachers and parents need to understand school isn’t always our first priority and that things happen, failure happens! Both ends of the spectrum need to be more understanding and encouraging. Our identities should not be so heavily rooted in academics, something that really does not define us as people.
In the future when you talk to your friends about school and how your grades compare to theirs, I urge you to be empathetic and understanding towards each individual’s journey of how they arrived at their letter. If you put in a lot of effort and do well on an exam, do not let anyone take that away from you! Getting good grades, especially in college, is no small feat. As a friend, you should also celebrate your friend and their accomplishment. If the opposite is true and you do poorly, take a deep breath. One bad grade will almost never make or break your ability to be successful the remainder of the class. As a friend, it is important to encourage and support your friend after they get a bad mark because this can be something that really affects them mentally. School and education is a different path for everyone. How I do in school has no bearing on your life, similarly to how you do has no effect on mine. What’s important is that you put your best foot forward, strive to do your best, and enjoy college as it’s a time that you will never experience again.