Recently, I got into a big fight with a good friend/sometimes more than friend of mine. We met each other two years ago and have been misunderstanding our intentions and feelings toward one another ever since. Our fight started after I called him a more contemporary word for playboy and it ended with him telling me “do you ever consider how what you say might make other people feel?” I responded by slamming the door of his apartment right after saying, “Well, maybe we shouldn’t interact with each other anymore.” The next day we met up in person and had a three-hour long talk. I finally told him how he had hurt my feelings in the past, that I was never certain of how much I felt for him and he told me that he was sorry and that he was also uncertain of what I wanted or do want. It was uncomfortable to say these things but necessary.
Being uncomfortable isn’t about putting yourself in harm’s way; it’s about living an open life and not feeling inhibited and scared while at the same time realizing it’s okay to feel that way. Here’s a list that might help you to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable:
1. Do what you’re afraid to do.
Every year I set a theme for myself. My freshman year of college was a rip-off from Nike: just do it. I forced myself to join clubs that contrast with my personality. I tried out for my school’s improv group, No Bears Allowed, which makes you perform in front of other people and act a fool trying to come up with skits that are funny. At first, it was scary and nerve-wracking. I didn’t want a bunch of eyes staring at me. I didn’t want to make monkey sounds and hop on one leg. But eventually, it became easier. I started to feel less shy, and I didn’t care so much about looking stupid. Everything unfamiliar seems scary at first but that doesn’t mean we should stop ourselves from trying new things and taking risks.
2. Be honest with yourself and with others.
It can be hard to be honest with other people. We let our fear get in the way of our true intentions and what we want to really say and do. We think what if this person rejects me? What if they don’t like what I’m doing? What if I get judged? What if, what if, what if…
Something that helped me to become more open is journaling. I write down how I feel in a journal and then once I understand my own feelings, I talk about them. But being honest isn’t just about the stereotypes of what people think it is such as talking about hard times or romantic confessionals. It’s simply about being unabashed and unhidden. Tell your friends that you love them. Compliment people when you have a chance. Don’t be afraid to say you miss someone or care about them. And what’s great about honesty is once you start being honest with others, they become honest in return.
3. Take some time for yourself.
Take yourself out on a date. Each lunch at a fancy restaurant all by yourself. Go to an art exhibition on your own. When I first started doing things by myself I felt self-conscious. I thought maybe people would think that I had no friends. I was constantly fidgeting with my phone pretending I was texting someone. But there’s a lot of freedom in being able to do things alone. You have no timetable. You can spend however long you want sitting at a coffee-shop or looking at a specific painting or daydreaming. You start to learn a little more about yourself. You’re not influenced by what others around you are thinking and feeling. You get to focus on yourself, what you like and don’t like. You stop missing out on opportunities from the fear of going alone. And surprisingly, once you start going alone to events you actually start making a lot of new friends.
4. Accept that you have flaws and don’t feel shy about them.
Sometimes I’m too touchy-feely. I like to link my arms with my friends’ and pat people’s shoulders a lot. When I get older I’ll probably become that aunt that smothers their nieces and nephews in wet kisses and hugs that are way too long. But I wouldn’t be me without any of these things.
Don’t feel pressured to constantly tailor yourself to please others. Put your flaws on display. It’s fine to say that you are someone that gets anxious or that you’re unsure if you can do something. No one knows what they’re doing and our faults can be a great way of bonding anyway.
All images courtesy of The Illustration of Hiller Goodspeed.