So what do you want to do after college? Do you have a boyfriend? How’s school coming along?
These are the questions that ring our ears like nails on a chalkboard. They are questions in which we provide generalities in order to hide behind the glorified ways in which we describe our truthfully shameful debauchery. I’ve compiled a few answers to these non-original questions in order to make light of what we wish we could say to our lovely aunts and uncles, ancient grandparents, and those young, innocent cousins.
1. “My grades are fine.”
Ah, I see. You’re pulling the “fine” card, kind of like what you say to your significant other when you really want to throw a dagger at them. Yes, your grades would be fine if they reflect how well you excelled at that frat party playing beer pong. So, yes, mom “my grades are fine.”
2. “I’m starting to apply for some internships to get my foot in the door.”
Oh, Aunt Sally, I’m sorry! I thought you meant my application to be a bartender. Mixology is a profession, right?
3. “My favorite course is Italian history.”
It’s like you basically go to Coliseum all the time. It’s funny how it looks different in the textbook, hmm…
4. To your sweet, little nugget cousins: “We have recess in college too! It’s so much fun!”
Annnnd…you went there. These poor untarnished souls are getting water from the big orange Gatorade jug, while you are at Recess ordering that drink with the funny taste.
5. “I love my class schedule. I made it the way I did so I have Friday’s off.”
Wait, you know your grandma wasn’t talking about the drop/add schedule, right? Or shall I say the “screw-it-I’ll-just-drop-the-course” schedule.
6. “I’m so happy you made such a big feast, mom. It looks amazing.”
Let’s cut the BS. You eat that way pretty often from those times where you are feeling like you’ve hit cloud nine. Except substitute the nice big turkey with some McDoubles and McNuggets.
7. “Yes, Uncle John. I do go on dates here and there. We have some good clean fun.”
Which date did you remember the most? Was it bar golf? Oh no, wait! It has to be that one function you got cuffed to your date until you downed a whole bottle of champagne. Hey, ladies…it’s cuffing season.
8. “No, I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment.”
It’s one of those complicated situations where he shows me his room and I show mine from time-to-time. I learned that “sharing is caring” from elementary school, actually. The texts he sends me at one in the morning are so romantic. He always wants to know “what u up to.”
9. “Yeah, I stay out of trouble.”
Yeah, you might not want to tell your grandpa the amount of times you thought you were going to get an MIP at the Strip. Those cops, man.
10. “I’m so happy to be a Seminole at the Florida State University. Go Noles!”
Slow down, Golden Girl. I mean who wouldn’t be psyched to attend one of the top five party schools in the nation.