Red and pink packaged chocolates. Unnecessarily oversized—overpriced, should I add—teddy bears stock the isles at Walmart. “Happy Galentine’s Day” rolls off your roommate’s tongue, something like a backhanded compliment.
Sound familiar?
Has the existential dread set in yet?
Yep, Valentine’s Day. The only day a year you’re simultaneously reminded of two things: one, just how alone you really are, and two, that feeling that way is somehow not okay, either. Galentine’s Day, while with all good intentions like “girl empowerment,” reminds you that they had to make up a whole other holiday, just so we wouldn’t feel so bad about being lonely, right?
Don’t worry; you’re not the only one secretly dreading Valentine’s Day. As someone who is born the day after, I have two reasons for my aversion to the holiday. When I’m not single, it’s awkward because I don’t want my S.O. to feel like we have to celebrate two days in a row. When I am single (which is most of the time), I have an existential crisis of romantic loneliness. I’m perfectly aware of society’s effectively manufactured—marketed, even—method of idealizing relationships. Hence, the modern notion of Valentine’s Day. And yet, it gets to me.
I feel bad about even saying that. I’m sure you’ve felt lonely at one point in your life or like you’ve wanted a relationship; we all have. And if you have, I’m sure you know that the moment you express that feeling to someone, they tell you that you don’t really want one, or you should just focus on yourself, or the old “you’ll never find someone when you’re looking for them.”
Maybe they’re just being nice, but they still forget we’re living in a patriarchal, heteronormative society that pushes an agenda of relationships and marriages down our throats since birth. Many of us are looking for someone at the end of the day, even if not proactively, and that’s okay. That need for companionship is practically programmed in us through socialization from birth. The problem is society idealizes companionship and also tells us that it “will just happen to you.”
Maybe you’re like me, and perhaps you know it’s okay to be single. Yet, you also suffer from drowning under the weight of a million romantic comedies and everyone around you in successful relationships. If you’re even more like me, you want to love yourself, and you tell yourself you do. You tell yourself that you are worthy of love. You wonder why everyone else seems to have love handed to them except you. You can’t just “love yourself, focus on yourself.” Not when you’re constantly comparing yourself to people around you because they make it look so easy.
I’m here to tell you something that I have to remind myself continually. It’s not easy as it looks.
I also have to be blunt. Any relationship, even one that is toxic and without love, is not a guarantee. It’s not a right. Relationships aren’t a prerequisite; they’re not something we inherit. Maybe we’re only let down because we expect that we’ll find the perfect relationship by “x” age or “x” stage in life.
I can’t stress this enough: You are absolutely worthy of love. I am absolutely worthy of love. You are inherently valuable.
I knew all of this, I had heard it all my life, and I heard it especially after being dumped, but it still didn’t explain why I was single again or make me feel much better. I thought to myself: if I’m so worthy of love, why was I just told the opposite? After I went through that first breakup, there was only one thing that actually helped me feel okay with being alone.
We aren’t guaranteed love or relationships from anyone. When I first heard that, it took me aback and hurt my feelings a little bit. However, I thought about it, and it made sense. Love and relationships are a choice, right? Especially, love? Otherwise, I’m sure we would all simply love ourselves.
You’re worthy of anyone’s love, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen to you right now, possibly not tomorrow, and the small chance, but still a possibility, ever. I know that sounds like the most depressing thing ever, and perhaps it is tough love, but just hear me out. It’s also the objective reality and the only thing that helped me stop idealizing relationships. That’s why people stress loving yourself so much. We cannot control if someone falls in love with us or wants to be in a relationship with us. We can’t control who other people are going to love. If we do, it’s a form of manipulation. We can’t make anyone love us.
So, yes, you are absolutely worthy of love. But the truth that will realistically help you love and focus on yourself is the objective one. The only person you can depend upon every day to truly love and dedicate a relationship to you is yourself. That’s why the relationship you nurture with yourself is so meaningful. That’s also why when someone does choose to love you and be in a relationship with you, and you reciprocate, it’s significant. Because they don’t have to—they choose to. You won’t take their love for granted, and you also won’t treat it like something that’s just handed to you.
Right now, on Valentine’s Day, on a day designed for couples, what you and I can control is bettering ourselves. And there’s no richer way of bettering yourself than to love yourself and others authentically.
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