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The Most Unhinged “Florida Man” Crimes of 2023

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at FSU chapter.

Gosh, 2023 was a lot. We had the infamous Barbenheimer box office race. We witnessed the Gypsy Rose Blanchard getting released from federal prison. We even had to go through Netflix cracking down on password sharing. With all that going on, I believe social media users would have had a better time getting through 2023 with a healthy crutch — that crutch being the hilarious crimes committed by a certain type of Floridian famously known by the term “Florida Man.” As you read these unhinged crimes, just imagine how much better your year would have been if you had these stories to laugh at.

Don’t Worry, the Booty Patrol is Here!

A Florida Man arrested in DeSoto County was caught driving a truck with decals to look like a patrol vehicle. Except in traditional Florida fashion, instead of his truck saying “Highway Patrol,” this truck was graced with the phrase “Booty Patrol”. I genuinely don’t know if I’d be more scared to be pulled over by the booty police or the real thing. It begs the question… do you think “Booty Patrol” made his arrest quota?

Ocean Gerbil

In September 2023, a man had a dream. This Florida Man was arrested for trying to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a giant hamster wheel. Men used to build monuments and now they aspire to be gerbils.

Boozy Burglar

Look, Thanksgiving is a stressful holiday. With all these crazy families, sometimes people need something to take the edge off. This Florida Man was arrested after breaking into and robbing a random apartment during Thanksgiving weekend. He was seen leaving the heist with orange juice and flavored vodka. I can’t even play devil’s advocate on this one and say that a screwdriver is a classy drink.

statue lover

You don’t have to be a resident to be a Florida Man. Every man has a little Florida in them. That being said, tourists are fair game. During a disturbance at multiple St. Petersburg restaurants, a man was caught groping a manatee statue. Cops should have been called to the scene earlier, as this offender had been previously throwing gator nuggets into a restaurant. He would go on to “sexually molest” a restaurant’s manatee statue in front of their very own patrons and staff. I mean Florida is a pretty welcoming state, but not that welcoming.

Start Them Young

The epidemic of the Florida Man runs deep, and age is just a number. It all started when an 11-year-old Florida boy was having a bad day at school. He was determined to leave. Most kids would claim an illness, but not little Taryn. He only saw one option: claim school shooter. He can be heard telling 911, “Help, there is a school shooter walking through the hallway.” I mean, that’s one way to do it. Unfortunately, SWAT, aviation teams, and police officers within 20 miles were called to the scene to find no shooter and a guilty middle schooler.

Don’t Steal My Sex Toys

A Florida woman in Martin County just wanted to protect her assets when she agreed to the search of her backpack. Thinking her goodies were all hidden and safe, she would quickly catch on that she wasn’t in luck. Officers previously charged her with cocaine use and possession, and as they reached into her bag, they would find crystal meth and Valium. But she wasn’t at all scared about these upcoming drug charges. Oh no, she was more concerned with the thought of police confiscating her bright blue sex toy. I’m assuming it wasn’t travel sized.

Performance Art

In November 2023, a seemingly unsuspecting homeless man was crossing the road in the middle of traffic. While families and other motorists were coming home from work and school, this Florida Man saw this as a perfect audience. Police don’t know what went through his head as he was found to be completely sober of all substances. But once this man crossed the street, he decided to pull his pants down and pop a squat. He ultimately was seen by witnesses and police officers defecating on a deceased possum. Was this an avant-garde art piece or just a Florida man? The world will never know. In the end, you just feel bad for the possum.

I just have two words: You’re welcome.

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Elizabeth Wherry is an on-staff writer at the Her Campus at the Florida State chapter. She focuses on campus life, culture, and lifestyle articles. She gets most excited about pieces on beauty and pop culture but loves creative stories as well. Prior to Her Campus, Elizabeth has gained corporate writing experience with paid internships specializing in defensive/offensive PR, digital media campaigns, and brand marketing. She is now a freshman at Florida State University working towards her goal of a master’s degree in communications. She hopes to gear her studies towards both political communication and business studies. Her dream is to do advocacy work and make a real difference. During her free time, Elizabeth enjoys sewing, cycling, and cooking her grandmother's Italian recipes. She is also always traveling, at only 18 she has already been to 38 countries. In addition, Elizabeth is a big music nerd and frequently attends all types of concerts; there are not many genres she does like. But most importantly, she loves spending quality time with her friends. Her favorite memories include beach days, hostel stays, and prank calls. Elizabeth hopes to bring her positive and witty humor to Her Campus.