“Do I even belong here?”
“Fake” and “Fraud” are words that frequently come to mind in my head. Even though I am in my third year of college, I am still trying to figure out how to deal with imposter syndrome and the negative thoughts I have about myself. If you are unfamiliar with imposter syndrome, it is defined as “feelings of inadequacy that persist despite obvious success.” When I feel like an imposter or a fraud, I feel like an outsider who does not have a place at the university I attend and even within my own culture.
I recall being terrified when I first started taking classes here as a freshman because I had no prior experience. I had no idea what I wanted to do, did not understand the distinction between grants and loans and was unfamiliar with college life. I had no idea where to even start my college journey because no one in my family had ever gone to college. That is until I discovered the CARE program at Florida State University, which has provided me with so many opportunities and resources that I’m incredibly grateful for. They taught me how to differentiate between the two types of loans and grants, helped me with future endeavors and more. I also found a community of first-generation students like me who can understand and even relate to my feeling and fears.
Recently, my professor questioned us about why we chose FSU in my communications class and I had an epiphany. I heard a variety of responses, including “my parents went here for college,” “the social scene,” “nice campus” and more. However, I refrained from sharing my response with my classmates out of concern that they might feel sorry for me, since FSU is the only college I can afford to attend due to the financial aid that the CARE program grants me. The CARE program will forever hold a warm place in my heart because, without them, I would have never been able to further my education and find a safe place that I can call my home away from home.
Despite my accomplishments, I find myself wondering and even doubting whether I would have been accepted to this university had I applied using the same application process as most of my peers. The application process for CARE is totally different from the application process for FSU. CARE considers additional elements, such as being a first-generation student, having a lower income and more that may have affected your educational trajectory in high school. I do find myself questioning whether I would have been accepted to FSU without CARE.
My peers, whom I considered to be significantly smarter than me, were disappointed to learn that they had been rejected when the FSU decisions were announced. I recalled asking myself, “What makes me special when some of my peers accomplish more and achieve higher grades than I do?” My mind constantly makes comparisons and reminds me of everything I’m not, which makes me doubt most of my life’s achievements.
Not only do I feel out of place at school, but also within my own culture and ethnicity. Being a third-generation immigrant of Puerto Rican and Peruvian descent, I have always been proud of my culture. Through the food I eat, the music I listen to and the traditions I observe, I celebrate who I am and how I was raised in my culture. People were always surprised when I told them I was Latina. I would frequently hear phrases like “you don’t look Hispanic” or “you’re a fake Latina” after telling them I never learned to speak Spanish. Because of this, I began to feel like I didn’t have the right to call myself Latina, which is an identity I am immensely proud to have. Because I did not fit the stereotype that people have of Latinos, I was afraid that my own community would not even accept me.
Unfortunately, I won’t lie and say this still doesn’t affect me at the age of twenty as I’ve been wanting to join the PRSA (Puerto Rican Student Association) or HLSU (Hispanic /Latinx Student Union) for over a year. I have been hesitant to do so because I’m not sure if I belong there. I’ve had doubts about my own identity but I’ve learned over the years that my identity is who I am and no one can take that away.
I am proud to be a first-generation Latina student, but I am not alone: approximately 44 percent of Hispanic students are the first in their families to attend college. If you ever feel like an imposter, you are not alone. We all struggle with self-doubt and low confidence, but please remember to be kind to yourself. You worked hard for all of your accomplishments and success and your achievements were not by chance.
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