Like nearly everyone else during the first two weeks of February, I wanted to write about Valentine’s Day. I wanted to write about love and all the cute date ideas for people my age, what to wear, how to style your hair and makeup and things like that. I thought I might even do a “tell-all” (because those seem to be so popular these days) and spill all the tea about my healthy, happy successful relationship that was very much nonexistent. I wanted to write all that, and I would’ve done a good job at it too. But, as I watched the cursor blinking back at me on my blank word document after typing and deleting the first sentence 100 times, I realized something. I was completely and utterly exhausted with the whole idea of love this year. And maybe I’m the only one, just bitter because the whole love thing hasn’t worked out for me much at all, but I really couldn’t care less.
The more I think about it, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Why does society try so hard to glorify love all the time? From social media influencers to film, music, literature and just about anything else heavily present in our lives, the central storyline always revolves around love. But have we ever stepped back for long enough to ask ourselves why, or even more importantly, what effect this desperation for love has on young women? Let’s be honest; as women, we hear more than anyone else how our lives will end “happily ever after” once we find the one, and run away living out the rest of our lives so blissfully in love. And if you just so happen to be the unlucky woman who isn’t destined to love for whatever reason, you are expected to live your life as a shrew who’s lonely and unhappy with their life.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to find this fabled love that we start to place our value in the validation of others, tearing ourselves apart and breaking ourselves down to please others and fit the mold of what an ideal partner should be rather than just being satisfied existing as ourselves. We feel like we are not enough without another, and the media reinforces this mentality. At this point, I say that’s all bullsh*t.
The thing is, I haven’t always felt this way towards the concept of love. I used to be a hopeless romantic for a long time. I dreamed of having my own fairytale love one day, where my lover would swoop in and save me from all my problems and insecurities, then take me to a faraway land I’ve never seen to live every day as an adventure (I’m a Sagittarius so that is the ideal love story to me). College gave me the wake-up call I needed to learn that that’s not how it works. Love doesn’t solve all of your problems; if anything, it can present its own that you have to learn how to work through. Those insecurities I thought would go away were only emphasized when I tried to solve them with validation from someone else. I found myself being rejected, broken and let down time and time again.
I then worked on myself, took all the advice that self-care books had to offer, went on a spiritual journey to become attuned with my inner self, started eating healthier and started working out harder. But, even once you work on yourself and find that peace and inner love, what people don’t tell you is that college is the home of toxic hookup culture. There is nothing wrong with casual hookups if both parties consent, with clear communication about how they feel and a full understanding of what the situation is. But, let’s be honest, most of the time, this isn’t the case. A lot of people (and sorry, but I’m calling out mostly men here) will say what they need to get what they want, hurting someone who genuinely cares for them in the process by sending mixed signals and treating women as nothing more than a means to an end.
I’ve heard one too many times in the past “we’re just vibing” or “I like you, but it’s complicated.” Truthfully, people often know they want something casual, but they’re too afraid of losing a person who’s emotionally invested if they’re honest about their intentions. There’s no place in hookup culture for a woman like me, who wears her heart on her sleeve and gives her all to those she cares deeply for. I think I speak for more women than just myself when I say that I’ve drained myself deeply trying to find love in people who are not emotionally available, and at this point, I’m tired of trying.
This month isn’t all depressing for my fellow single women out there, though. I’ve used this time to love my friends, to love my family and to love myself. This Valentine’s week, I’ll be getting my third tattoo within the span of three months because I feel like it, I’ll be going to dinner with my girlfriends because they make me laugh and I’ll be dressing up and taking pictures solo because I d*mn well deserve to feel good. Maybe it’s February and love is in the air or whatever, but personally, I’m so happy I keep my mask on.
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