When you grow up pretending to be someone you’re not, the person you really are almost seems to fade into the background. While I won’t bore you with the details of my coming out story, you should know it wasn’t until college that being queer was part of my identity rather than a piece of myself I desperately tried to conceal. Finally being able to openly be myself was great in theory, but I didn’t even know who that person was after hiding her for so long. I had the opportunity to reinvent myself and figure out what parts of my personality were authentic versus what was just a well-played act.
In high school, embracing every part of femininity was part of the act. My hair was always perfectly done, my nails were long and painted, and I wore just the right amount of blush and mascara. My favorite color was pink. I was the girliest of girls. I thought that if I was interested in what every other girl was interested in, no one would know that I had something to hide, and it worked. I played the part well, almost too well.
When I came out in college, it was a shock to everyone. “You were so girly in high school” is a phrase I know all too well. I constantly felt the need to prove myself to everyone around me: to prove that I was “gay enough.” Rejecting femininity was my way of claiming my sexuality. You would never find me in a dress, much less anything pink. This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy wearing makeup, painting my nails, and wearing dresses, but rather that this new version of me couldn’t like those things. That’s what I thought at least. I strayed so far from all the things I used to love. While I was more myself than ever, I didn’t feel like my outward presentation matched my true self. I was still putting myself into a box, just a different one.
I can’t pinpoint when exactly I started curling my hair, painting my nails, and wearing dresses again, but only then did I feel authentic. Although embracing femininity helped me play the part in high school, it was something I always found comfort and joy in. I’m not the same person I was in high school just because I paint my nails and do my hair the same way. I don’t use makeup to cover parts of myself that I don’t want others to see. Instead, I embrace my femininity as a queer woman.
My favorite color is still pink, not because I’m trying to be someone I’m not, but because I’ve learned to embrace the person I am. Nothing about me has changed since I came out, yet everything has. I do not put myself into a box just to fit a certain stereotype anymore. Instead, I have learned that my femininity and queerness can coexist.
Now I wear pink dresses, pink nail polish, and pink blush. My favorite color is pink, and I feel more myself than I ever have.
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