As young adults, we like to believe that we’re 100% individual and completely unmalleable when it comes to making decisions, especially those decisions involving relationships. The funny thing is that growing up, we’re all undeniably influenced by our parents and the relationship that they have with each other (at least the one that they make visible to our watching eyes). There’s something to be learned from happily married parents and divorced parents alike. Whether your parents set the worst or the best example of what a marriage should be, it’s sure to impact what you subconsciously look for and prioritize in a partner later on in life. From my personal perspective, I’m lucky enough to have parents that are of the happily married variety. Though not everything is always peachy keen, their marriage has certainly set the tone for my love life and it has prevented me from settling for anything that doesn’t feel just right.
My parents both went to North Miami High, but no they were not high school sweethearts—in fact, they really barely knew of each other in high school. Their love story didn’t begin until they unexpectedly ran into each other at a mutual friend’s birthday party when they were 28 and 29 years old in a bar called Parkway Pub. This was long after high school Friday night lights and wild college weekends. The age at which they met alone is enough to have some of us internally freaking out because we are so conditioned to believe that everything in life has to happen on this uber-specific timeline that involves miraculously finding your soulmate before you’re 25!
How sick is it for people to feel this immense pressure at such a young age? What’s the rush? Exactly, there is none. That’s the first snippet of knowledge that I’ve garnered from my parents: the more you go looking for that special someone, the farther you are from finding them; my dad says, “It’s when you’re not searching that it’ll smack you right in the face.” It’s easy to get wrapped up in a web of self-doubt thinking you’ll be immortally alone, but just because you haven’t found your person in high school or college doesn’t mean you won’t find them, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re falling behind on the dating curve.
Courtesy: Tawnie Simpson
With that said, another thing I’ve realized is that you’re probably going to have to date a few duds before you attain the crown jewel. That’s only fair in love and war because, at the end of the day, it’ll only help you distinguish your wants and needs in a significant other. On my mom’s end, she experienced far more negative relationships than positive ones, which only made my dad an even bigger breath of fresh air when he stepped into her life. He called at the time he said he would, he picked her up at the agreed-upon hour, he bought her gardenias from Jennie’s on Biscayne Boulevard, and he left grapefruits from his mom’s tree on her doorstep. Suddenly, my mom wasn’t spending her Sundays alone anymore, and it was like she had finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel.
Consistency is key in the survival of any relationship, but that’s not to say that a perfect marriage won’t involve a few spats here and there. Many parents understandably try to shield their children from the reality of arguments, but I think seeing my parents disagree on various levels has only taught me the truth of relationships. You’re going to fight and that’s okay. Something I’ve always admired about my parents is that they work out their problems together as partners, and they’re not afraid to agree to disagree on a subject. They treat each other with such a high level of respect and never stoop down to cursing or name-calling in order to “win” a fight.
These observations affect how I see the world, but they don’t determine it. When noting the successes and missteps of your parents’ relationship, it’s important not to idolize it. Believe me, I know this can be tough! My dad picked my mom up from work in a helicopter and proposed to her while soaring over the evening Miami skyline, so I often make the joke that the next guy in my life has a lot to live up to—which he does, but this is all fun and games. Though I know no girl who would turn her nose up at diamond earrings and a spur-of-the-moment trip to Hawaii, I’ve learned that it’s not the crazy grand gestures that keep a relationship from falling apart. It’s small things, like the silly handmade cards my dad gives to my mom on her birthday.
It’s impossible to replicate your parents’ relationship and trying to do so will only cause disappointment. It’s even possible to prevent yourself from finding the “perfect” partner if you’re too scathing of every candidate presented to you. In the end, you are not your parents, and this will allow you and your person to create your own values and traditions. Pinpoint the good parts and build off of them and do your best to avoid the worst parts. Don’t settle for less and never allow yourself to fall into that shroud of self-doubt over not having found someone. You’re not falling behind, and your expectations are not—I repeat not—too high (unless they’re just downright impossible, but I’m sure you’ll find the difference).