Disclaimer: This article is in no way intended to discredit the appreciation and love I have for my parents. I am beyond thankful for the way they raised me and I would not be writing this today without their support.
Becoming an adult is different for everyone. For some, it can mean going to college or living on your own. For others, starting a job or becoming financially independent qualifies. Regardless of these circumstances, becoming an adult means taking responsibility for your own life. I believe this requires navigating a relationship with your parents where you can prioritize your own needs.
Growing up, I found myself in constant fear of disappointing my parents even though I knew I exceeded their expectations of a daughter. At one point, I found myself constantly questioning my actions because of how I thought my parents would react to them. Not only was it mentally exhausting, but it put a strain on the relationship I had with my parents. However, I have recently been able to make choices with my own best interests at heart and not others. I believe discussing this is very important, especially for those who are just starting a life away from their parents or family.
The desire for our parents’ approval is universal. Knowing that we have made them proud and that our accomplishments in life honor their sacrifices is any child’s goal. No matter our age, we always yearn to fill that craving even if we try to convince ourselves otherwise. In every parent-child relationship, there comes a point where our choices differ from the ones our parents would have chosen. For example, maybe you are considering a new career path, an academic change or a plan on moving somewhere new. Whatever your choice may be, negotiating these difficult changes is not easy and some parents struggle with delegating independence.
An important part of becoming a responsible and healthy adult is letting go of the need for approval by forming your decision-making capabilities. Finding your identity may require the withdrawal from the values and philosophies with which you were raised. It is important to note that this does not mean that you are abandoning the structure completely, but instead are choosing which pieces of advice fit the future life you want for yourself. Understanding how to approach your parents with this information can be a challenge, but with the right conversations, it can set clear boundaries that the relationship desperately needs.
Addressing this challenge before it happens takes an immense amount of courage. Being able to explain the difference between their support and approval can be hard, but it can also be eye-opening for parents since they may have viewed the two ideas as the same up until this point. Explain to them what you will expect when you seek their advice and how you need them to resist providing their input unless it is asked for.
Even if they do not agree with a decision you make, they need to know how important it is that they still provide their support and blessing. Their concerns may be legitimate but that does not necessarily mean you should change your mind. Avoid defending your viewpoint despite any backlash you may receive from them. If you can acknowledge their views and explain how you will combat any risks they have raised, it will make it easier for them to support you.
Overall, remember that underneath the overactions and stubborn nature they portray, they still have loving intentions for you. Even the best parents fail to express the love that their child may need at a particular point in time, but that does not mean that the love is not there. The relationship with our parents sets a foundation for other human connections. We shape our interactions with friends, partners, and colleagues based on the relationships with the people who raised us. It is often complicated, and even messy for some, but prioritizing your needs comes before anyone else.
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