Insufficient Cell Sample (Sudden Fiction)

I remember thinking the exam room was unusually dark. My memories might be playing tricks on me, but the scene reminds me of a somber monologue performed on a small stage. A soft light on the exam table and the corners of the room fading into darkness. There was only a 10-minute wait for Dr. So&So, after the nurse had left. Her bangs, short stature, and thin oval shaped glasses gave away her intentions. A few words were exchanged, and she went on for a while about something.

“…After working there I knew I’d want a much smaller patient count, so I can give the attention they deserve”, she finished off.

“Admirable” I say, going with the script.

“So, tell me about your drinking, your intake says you have forty drinks a week on average. You also have a family history of addiction?”

“It’s a guesstimate, I was trying to convert 3 ½ handles of Jameson into ‘drinks’.”

I could see by the look in her oh-so warm eyes, that she wanted more.

“My mother... yes, and others, but namely my mother. The addiction killed her, I was 14, clearly I learned from it.” There’s something about people with ‘superman’ complexes, I bet they get off on the small tragedies they sweep up. I remember the look of pity on her face, but her words didn’t stay with me for more than 5 minutes. 

She asked me to undress for the exam, handing me a paper gown to cover up with. If she’s already gonna see my vag for its entirety, what’s the point? The exam table is like an upside-down saddle, with the stirrups in the air. That'd that make me the horse? If I am the horse why are my feet up in the stirrups?

“It’s a bit drafty” I tried to make conversation back to Dr. So&So.

“I get that a lot. You know I do perform pap smears many times a week, but that isn’t all I do. My friends seem to think it is, but I’m not just a pussy doctor, I’m general practitioner.”

“Oh”. I looked up at the ceiling and heard the gloves snap on her wrist.

“This is going to be uncomfortable.” With that she stuck the cold, pointy speculum, right up my woo ha. She wedged that mofo, moving her arm around like she was going over obstacles. “This doesn’t seem to be long enough” she trailed off and rummaged through her speculum drawer. “Oh good… that’s good. I’m sorry I know this is bad.” She removes a longer, thicker, speculum from the sanitation baggie. What kind of masochist buys a metal dildo. She expands the device, a pelican opening wide hoping to catch some fish. “I swear your cervix is right around the corner.” She’s running out of breath. “But there was love between you right?” I look at her, my left eyebrow merged with my forehead, her eyes on my vagina.


“Your mother." In that moment the most vivid image of my mother appeared. I’m not sure if it was the absurd 15-minute pap or the if speculum stabbed some nerve along the canal, but a snap shot of her smiling face, from a mundane memory, stained my eyes.

“Yes” I tilted my head back, imprisoning a tear in the corner of my eye.

“I’m sure they have longer ones down stairs.” She scurried out of the room, forgetful woman left the other one hanging there.