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An Open Letter to T-Pain

Dear T-Pain, 

First off, I would just like to extend my sincerest gratitude for blessing us with your presence at Fordham’s 2018 Spring Weekend. I mean, for years, we have hoped and prayed that after the teasing and anticipation of seeing your name on the CAB student interest survey that you might actually show. We have had some pretty sick spring weekends, I’m certainly not complaining. I mean, twenty one pilots? Come on! But you, Mr. Pain, are going to blow our private school – Jesuit – Buy U A Drank (at Mugz) – Matt and Kim-fied MINDS!

The Fordham community has been longing for this performance for half a decade now and it’s almost hard to believe that you’re really going to come and perform for us. To be quite honest, I have a few questions about this inevitably legendary concert. Are you gonna bring the iconic auto-tuned version of yourself or the smooth, unplugged NPR version? What top hat screams Fordham Spring Weekend?! If I triple-dog-dared you to ride the Ram, would you do it? What would you say to Father McShane if he walked up and was like “ah, yes, your log cabin in Aspen, do you enjoy ski season?” (Personally I would like to know the inspo behind rhyming “mansion” and “Wisconsin” but, that’s a question for another time.)

My most important question, however, is about if this concert is actually going to stay rated PG. I know there are rules and being at the Jesuit University of New York means you can’t say certain things (as past anti-freedom-of-speech cases on campus will point out) but I honestly think it would be a crime if you withheld “I’m n Luv (Wit a Stripper)” or “Buy U a Drank” (you know…dry campus.)

If you’re in a bind and think any certain words might get you in trouble, replace them with “God” “Jesus” or “Jesuit” and I think you might be off the hook! Maybe even throw in a “Loyola” or “Hughes” for good measure.

I guess what I’m trying to say here, sir, is that we are all so eagerly awaiting hearing all of your bangers at Spring Weekend and even if you’re on stage for one fabulous run sang through an auto-tuned mic, the Fordham community would be ever so grateful. Have a safe trip to the BX, we’ll be waiting for ya! 

Love,

Fordham

Lauren is a senior at Fordham University pursuing a degree in Journalism and Political Science. With a career goal of being a broadcast journalist, she is spending time interning at networks such as NBC and FOX. Hobbies include writing for Her Campus and singing in Fordham's all-female a cappella group, the Satin Dolls, as well as drinking too much coffee, listening to far too many boy bands, and watching Buzzfeed Tasty videos one after another. 
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