It’s Holiday Season, which means it’s watch everyone post about being thankful for their significant other, or getting them for Christmas this year, or watching Hallmark movies that remind you how you don’t have someone to kiss under the mistletoe. While romantic love is something beautiful to witness, if can become a bit lonely if we let comparisons get to our heads this season. If you’re wondering if you should stay single or not, here are some points to ponder upon, from one single gal to another.
Stay single until:
1.You know what you want.
This also means having a good idea of what you don’t want in a partner. Have you taken enough time to explore? To think about what you’d like your future partner to be like? Do you want to date casually, or would you actually want a relationship? Do you want just sex? Are you certain you’d be okay with not being single? Knowing what you want and don’t want before you start dating can save you quite a bit of time, stress, and potential heartbreak. (Tip: Don’t just think about what you want and don’t want. Write it down. Revisit the list when you’re analyzing whether you should be with someone or not.)
2. You’ve learned how to make the non-romantic relationships in your life flourish.
If you’ve been single for a long time or have never been in a serious relationship, this doesn’t have to mean that you have no experience at relationships. Knowing how to be a good friend, sibling, daughter, can all be helpful when it’s time for a romantic relationship. Healthy relationships, regardless of the kind, tend to have qualities in common such as: respect, honesty, good communication, trust, genuine enjoyment. If you’re the kind of person that’s on auto-pilot all the time and hasn’t really taken a step back to reflect on your current relationships, don’t worry. It’s never too late to start.
3. You’ve recovered from your last break-up(s).
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll go into a bit of detail. Recovering from a break-up isn’t a life-or-death matter, but whether you do or you don’t is crucial to the life of your future romantic relationship. This doesn’t just mean being over your ex. It also means healing from damage (any negative impact on your self-esteem, for example) and reflecting on what there is to learn from your past relationship ending (i.e. the importance of understanding one another’s love language). Everyone has some sort of baggage from past relationships but recovering from a break up is like dealing with an open wound. Just putting a band-aid over it won’t help. Scars are left-overs of wounds that have had the time and care to heal.
4. You’re over your ex(es).
I’m sure you’ve heard this one time and time again. However, if you’re dating someone new and you’re still thinking about your ex, or constantly bringing them up in conversation, odds are you’re probably not over them and sending a major red flag to your new potential partner. (Tip: if you notice the person you’re seeing exhibits any of this behavior, you should probably take it as a red flag, yourself.) Getting over someone who you’ve shared a part of your life with can be difficult, specially if you still can’t see something majorly wrong with them for you. It takes time, reflection, and learning how to be by yourself again. But, getting under someone new is not the solution to getting over an ex. It might distract you for a bit or prolong the annoying task of getting over your ex, but it won’t open the door to a new healthy relationship.
5. You’re not going into it just because you’re lonely.
The holidays, especially, can be quite lonely for some. You might want your person to kiss under the mistletoe or to show off to your family and friends. However, this is not a good enough reason to want to be in a relationship. When you date someone, you are dating a person, not the idea of a person or the idea of no longer feeling lonely. Frankly, you might end up in a relationship and feel lonelier than you did when you were single. Before entering a new relationship, ask yourself the following: Do I genuinely like being with this person or do I just like the idea of having a partner? Am I happy being single? Am I depending on the potential of this relationship to be my source of joy? Do I know how to be alone?
6. You’ve grown into the kind of person you’d want to be with.
So, you’ve given thought to the kind of partner you’d like to be with, but have you become that kind of person for yourself? For example, if you want someone who is trusting, kind, independent, are you trusting, kind, and independent? If the answer is no, maybe you’re not ready for the kind of relationship you desire. And that’s okay. It means you’re still on the journey to becoming the version of you that would attract and compliment the kind of person you desire. Now, this doesn’t mean to become a certain version of you just for the purpose of being in a relationship. The kind of person you are should make you happy, first and foremost.
7. You have time for a romantic relationship.
You’ve probably heard the saying “we all make time for what we want.” Which, sure, sounds true and simple. But, if you’re in college, working, studying for grad school, trying to keep a healthy social life, exercise regularly, or just focused on becoming the woman of your dreams, you might not have, realistically, the time or the mental capacity at the moment to have a romantic relationship.
8. The thought of being in a romantic relationship excites you more than it scares you.
If your excitement about a romantic relationship quickly wares off and turns into fear or anxiety, that might just mean that you haven’t been in a relationship in a while. Or that you’re scared of getting hurt. Both of which are normal and, generally, nothing to worry about. If this anxiety/worry continues over a significant period of time, it might be necessary to dig deeper as to why you’re feeling this way. Do you have trauma that’s holding you back from enjoying your current romantic situation? Are you not ready to stop being single? Experts call this feeling relationship anxiety and it can either be temporary or long-lasting, depending on what’s causing it. A new relationship can be scary, but it is supposed to be more exciting than scary. If the discomfort persists, talking to your potential partner about it might bring you some clarity. If at the end of the day, you’re still feeling anxious, maybe you’re just not ready for a relationship yet.
9. You’re whole on your own.
A partner should complement you, not make you complete. You should have your own interests, opinions, ideas, goals. Yes, a partner is someone who you can potentially grow with, evolve with, learn from, share experiences with, but it doesn’t mean that you essentially morph into them or vice versa. If you’re not whole on your own, you might find yourself not being able to hold your own when you’re in a relationship, becoming unhealthily co-dependent, and losing your sense of individuality.
10. You are confident enough in your wants and needs to not be influenced by others being in a relationship.
If seeing others in a relationship makes you question your own decision to be single, it might be a good idea to think about your romantic wants and needs for a bit. Think about whether you really want/need to be single or whether you actually want to be in a relationship. It’s a very personal decision and seeing others in a relationship, even during the holidays, shouldn’t be reason enough to change your mind.