When’s the last time you had a conversation about your sexuality- with yourself? With your girlfriends? With your partner? Research shows that simply talking about our sexual experiences can generate a healthy approach to female sexuality, desire, and pleasure. Such healthy approaches can lead to a better understanding of our bodies, likes, dislikes, and needs. However, such conversations and the topic of female sexuality, in general, may never feel simple. It is indeed complex and every woman is different- but through the normalization and promotion of healthy, respectful, and open discussion, we can make it a bit simpler by ridding female sexuality of shame, judgment, fear, taboos, and misconceptions that we may have been subjected to by society, misleading education, or cultural norms.
What messages did you get about sex as a child? Teen? Adult?
The messages we receive in our childhood can affect our perceptions well into adulthood. Messages regarding female sexuality are not an exception. Therefore, it makes sense to start this discussion here, since the perspectives you’ve been subjected to are likely to influence your experiences and answers to any other question. Was the only message you received that which was presented in sex-ed class associating being sexual with getting pregnant and/or STDs? Did you witness other women being shamed for exploring their sexuality? Did your family ever have a discussion with you regarding female sexuality other than “the birds and the bees” talk?
Being exposed to messages regarding your sexuality that incite fear/discomfort before adulthood can lead to such fear and/or discomfort being part of your adulthood, too. By the same token, if you were exposed to positive messages regarding female sexuality, you might feel comfort in exploring your sexuality (back then, and now, as an adult).
What makes up female sexuality?
While sexual health is important, condoms and abstinence are not the only subtopics that make up sexual health and they are surely not the only important components relevant to women exploring their sexuality. Masturbation (i.e. different methods; positive effects such as stress relief; how it may help one figure out what they like/don’t like- for themselves and secondly as knowledge for an enjoyable sexual experience with another person), UTIs, orgasms, fantasies, different forms of exploration and stimulation, sex toys, the possible negative/positive influences pornography can have on a woman’s exploration of her sexuality, how to communicate wants/needs to a partner, are just a short list of all that female sexuality encompasses.
If any of these topics (or even just the words) make you uncomfortable or feel foreign to you, it is not a reason to worry. You can choose to look into reliable sources regarding female sexuality to help you explore your own if you’d like. If being sexual doesn’t interest you at all, or you don’t feel any sexual desire/curiosity, that is okay, too. One of the main objectives of open discussion regarding female sexuality is for a woman to reach a level of comfort regarding her sexuality that is supported by confidence in the objective knowledge they’ve learned and in their acceptance of their own sexuality/asexuality as normal and nothing to be ashamed of exploring, discussing, or questioning.
The topic of female sexuality is vast and the exploration of one’s own can be multifaceted, change with time and age, and is a different journey for every woman. But, through open and respectful dialogue about the topic and our own experiences, we can ease the discomfort, learn, and embrace.
Here are some questions that dive into female sexuality further that you can ponder upon yourself, potentially learn from, and talk about with your girlfriends next time the topic comes up:
- Do you feel comfortable talking about sex?
- Have you listened to stories of other women regarding navigating their own sexuality?
- Have you explored your sexuality enough to know what you like? Dislike? What you need to be pleasured? To orgasm?
- Are you aware that while many women orgasm easily, struggling with orgasms is just as normal?
- Are you in-tune with your body?
- Where/who are you getting information regarding female sexuality from?
- Would you consider your own past sexual experiences positive or negative?
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. If you’ve been sexually assaulted, consider contacting the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.