No matter if Lana Del Rey’s music found its way into your burgeoning mind at a crucial year in development, or if Proust and Nietzche were on your shelf before a college diploma, you may be entitled to financial compensation in the form of a charming, dastardly handsome, older, richer, out of reach, man.
Women with repressed identity issues and social trauma tend to find themselves in a pattern of clinging to parasocial paternal presences (think any older male celebrity) while navigating cishet sexualization. We associate ourselves with one (1) or a buffet lineup of fictional/unobtainable rich older Daddy figures as a shield against the vulnerability of real relationships and as a Pass Go, Collect 200 from heteronormativity. This also touches on compulsory heterosexuality, religious trauma, and current sociopolitical conversations post-Roe v Wade.
Stemming from sexual violence and an existence tied to our relationships with men, young women often seek informal protection and security from someone they do not know, most likely will never know, with twice as much life experience and preparation for the Real World.
Adrienne Rich’s essay titled Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence defines, simply put as “comphet”, as the theory that heterosexuality is so heavily pushed on people through socialization that they adhere and follow it as closely as possible for the sake of social acceptance.
Unobtainable whether through this fabric of reality or station in life, engaging in fictional relationships provides an illusion of heteronormativity to many queer women grappling with their identity. This offers an escape from anxiety and fear existing in heteronormative spaces.
As if, if I am not dedicated to any man, then I am cast out by traditional society. So here is the One Man I like, so I can pass under the radar of any homophobic sentiment.
If worst comes to worst, at least I have control over my own subjugation and sexuality.
By recent revocations on reproductive liberties, if The End Times were to descend, I have at least one man I trust with my body. As someone who could be seen as the enemy, the fictional boyfriend acts as a contrarian to the rest.
It’s about feeling safe with a man and the protection he, hypothetically, could provide.
This may come from a subconscious desire to fix him. Even if he can come across as scary and mean, at least he could be mean FOR me, not TO me. If associated with men, when choosing, who would be the least likely to commit violence against me?
Let’s talk about repressed women with religious trauma whose beef with Big Daddy in the Sky warrants rapture-level man-eating behaviors following her sexual awakening.
Introduced very early on to an always-watching protector and keeper who rewards us if we dedicate time, energy, and love, this imprinted how relationships with men function. To quote the great Phoebe Waller-Bridge from her original series Fleabag, “Do you want to ____ a priest or do you want to _____ God?”.
Parasociality introduces a new level of false familiarity to a person of interest. Latching onto an image or persona, fans utilize social and entertainment media, literature, music, and other content to connect with their assumed love interest-turned-object of desire.
We project qualities we want to see in them, especially those dubbed “written by women”. Healthy masculinity, kindness, softness, sensitivity, attentiveness, and validation of those they love ensure our engagement and devotion.
A few fellow academics’ responses:
- Q: What attracts you to certain older male characters or celebrities, and why do you find yourself developing an attachment to them?
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A: Women are often assigned greater accountability at a young age and develop maturity faster than their male counterparts. Even if the maturity is, at best, imagined, the young woman experiences those sentiments. Exploring romantic feelings with older men, even if it’s just a fantasy, gives us the feeling of being pursued/desired by an equal. We feel free to be ourselves because there’s no weight to pull for another person. Many young women, myself included, feel repulsed by dating norms within our age group. Whether this is moral is a separate conversation. I also think it strongly relates to a sense of safety. Even if the guy doesn’t support you, you know he can.
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A: It’s the maturity. They’ve experienced life, sex, romance, etc., so they know how to behave, manage and know what’s appealing. That older man comfort, a figure of sorts.
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A: It’s a bit self-centered. I can completely satisfy myself without worrying about someone else’s expectations. It’s all about me. I wouldn’t trust someone older who wanted to be with me this young. I get the fantasy, and no one gets hurt.
Perceived mental or sexual maturity forced upon us in adolescence, this character functions as our proverbial knight in shining armor. If people perceive and assign me as sexually mature, I want to be with someone who is sexually mature. With the amount of responsibility girls are expected to take on, and the amount we don’t want to take on, knowing there is a man with the capacity and the ability to support us makes him all the more alluring.
Many of those stapled to the Independent label undergo a severe amount of emotional neglect, which leaves them reaching into the depths of their psyche to configure: What is it I actually want?
A connection to older men offers protection and legitimization to women feeling vulnerable in an uncertain time, as well as queer women’s existence in the midst of decentering men.
Now, the ever-present, never-needy partner is an extension of one’s fantasies, ideologies, and desires. Projecting a partner capable of loving and protecting without the responsibility of maintaining an adult relationship may give us a sense of preparation for handling future romantic relationships or refusing to engage in them.