Picture this, you’re a hopeless romantic in search of love and instead of finding your one true match, you keep meeting disappointment, ghosters, the uninterested, and the downright cruel. Your perception of love is in shambles, and you question if it’s just a concept made up to create good movies; then, just as all hope is lost, like a prince on a white horse comes strolling in, is the partner of your dreams.
They are everything you want and more in a partner; they listen, they call you back, plan exciting dates, bring you flowers, then you’re told those three words that every emotionally deprived human yearns to hear: “I love you,” they say, on your sixth date. Spoiler alert, it went downhill after the seventh date.
Yep, you read that right, SIXTH. The story above is a true story, MY true story. This past fall, when all hope was lost, I fell into a love bombing trap that manifested into a short-lived, intense two-month relationship. But what is love bombing exactly? It can be defined in many ways, but in simplest terms, love bombing is a manipulation tactic used by one partner to another to make the other person dependent on them. This phenomenon is often used by narcissistic personality types, and it is usually highly unhealthy and causes toxic relationships. Love bombing comes in many forms, such as constant calling or texting, the premature proclamation of love, and telling you they’re your ‘soulmate,’ typically all before the three-month mark of a new relationship. However, since love bombing is derived from narcissism and not actual emotions, it creates a highly unsustainable relationship that will often fizzle out even after your partner has made you feel like you’re their OTP.
While saying “I love you” on the sixth date can be a pretty sure way to tell you’re being love bombed, here are a lot more minor gestures the bomber may do for you to fall into their web. Here are six subtle ways to tell if you are being love bombed:
1. Words of intense affirmation from the start
- Everyone loves compliments, but the weight and intensity of a compliment adds to the time spent together. Your partner saying you’re “their soulmate,” “perfect,” or discussing marriage or children on the first date is not cute. In my experience with love-bombing, my partner said I was “perfect” and that he had finally found “the one.” I remember feeling uncomfortable because I thought he didn’t even know me. Still, I brushed it off, thinking he meant what he was saying. This might seem endearing and sweet, but someone who actually means these things will say this after an extended period, not after your first date; you should really only know their favorite color and intentions at that point.
2. Initial trauma dumping
- People open up about their past traumas to those they feel comfortable with; it’s an honor and responsibility when someone finally can open up to another person. However, it is essential to know that taking on someone’s past trauma is not always your responsibility, especially when the relationship is so fresh. Even with long-term relationships, it is essential to establish boundaries about trauma dumping. Love bombers will also use this to pull at your heartstrings and make you feel bad if you try to leave the relationship. After our second date, he laid on my lap and opened up to me about his parents’ divorce and the trust issues it provoked in him. He mentioned that he knew I wouldn’t betray him. While I was flattered that he thought I wouldn’t hurt him, I was a little upset that he dropped such heavy information on me without warning after 48 hours into our relationship. For him to say he knew I wouldn’t do the same made me fear the possibility of messing up.
3. Excessive calling or texting
- Everyone is doing their best to navigate their work and personal life, so when someone is constantly blowing up your phone all day, it can add to the stress of tasks beyond your relationship. Communication is essential to any relationship; however, constant texts and calls to your partner may be another sign of unhealthy dependence.
4. Expensive gift giving
- Gift-giving is a love language to some and an excellent way to show someone you care about them and that they add value to your life. However, early on, expensive and excessive gift giving is often used as a ploy by love bombers for you to think they truly love you and for you to feel like you ‘owe’ them something in return. Gift-giving should not be an everyday occurrence; being showered in expensive valuables bought by your partner constantly is a nice thought, but it is a huge red flag.
5. Introducing you to their family super early on
- During my first serious relationship, it took my partner and I six months to meet each other’s families at the risk of moving too fast, versus my short-term partner who love bombed me. He wanted to tag along to my family vacation that was happening five days after I had met him. When I said no, he was offended and acted like I was embarrassed by him, which led to our decline of emotional intimacy as it was a constant and continuous argument between us. Love bombers love to trap their victim, and introducing you to their family could be a way to ensure you’re locked in for the long run or for however long they want you around.
6. Finally, saying “I love you” prematurely.
- Love is one of, if not the most, remarkable phenomena we humans experience. It is no wonder we would spend a lifetime searching for our soulmate. However, even though we are in constant pursuit, we cannot just blurt out those three words to anyone we get along with romantically. Saying I love you early on is harmful because love is supposed to withstand a long and meaningful relationship. A proclamation of love is a password for commitment and understanding between partners. Love bombers understand this and want to expedite the process of falling for them, so saying this is their way for you to think the fairy tale you dreamt of for so long is finally coming true.
All in all, the harsh reality is, love bombing is not cute. A relationship consists of healthy communication and trust; breaking it off may be best if you do not feel these positive aspects with your partner. If you find yourself in a situation that emulates similar qualities of love bombing, it is crucial to establish boundaries, no matter how uncomfortable the relationship is. By setting your boundaries or talking openly about your concerns about the relationship moving too fast, you are protecting yourself from what can lead to a horrible situation in which you are deeply hurt.