1. “Would you be my friend if I looked like this/talked like this/wore this?”You try coming up with a bunch of unfortunate scenarios that would scare your friends but you know they’ll be for you no matter what you look like, sound like or dress like (most of the time).
2. “Wait, I cant believe it… ________ unfollowed me on Instagram, did they unfollow you guys too?”You’re hoping that they either deleted their Instagram, or unfollowed all of your friends so you don’t feel like such a loser. Maybe it’s the 10+ (awesome) pictures you posted that clogged their feed this weekend. Maybe they just don’t like you anymore? Maybe they dropped their phone in the toilet and the first app to short circuit was Insta? Either way, it’s kind of embarrassing and definitely something to take into consideration next time you feel like giving your followers a play by play of your weekend.
3. “Is this flattering?” *while doing a 360*If you have to ask, chances are it’s probably not flattering. You’re hoping you’re just delusional and your friends will all tell you that you look great. If they don’t, then they better have a backup outfit for you to make up for basically telling you that you look awful.
4. “Is that my shirt?”The most passive aggressive way of saying “I know you went into my closet without asking,” even though you really don’t care. Or you’re genuinely curious if they bought the exact same shirt in the exact same color that you already had. Coincidences happen… sometimes.
5. “Do I have anything in my teeth?”Poppy-seed bagels, spinach and artichoke dip, broccoli–all foods that have no problem setting up tent and camping out in your tooth crevices. There’s nothing more embarrassing than asking your friends if there is anything stuck in your teeth and hearing the reply, “oh yeah, I forgot to mention that huge piece of lettuce covering your entire tooth for the past 30 minutes.” Thanks for telling me b*tch.
6. “Feel my legs, I just shaved”There’s no better feeling than freshly shaved legs especially after you put lotion on. It would be a sin not to show them off to your friends and let them know how a real pro handles a razor and shaving cream.
7. “Are you kidding me with that picture you just uploaded?”Your friends should know better not to upload pictures that you look bad in, but do they? No. Chances are the picture wasn’t taken on your good side, or your hair was out of place or you look like you were mid-sneeze when really you were just attempting to smile. We’ve all been there and sometimes the only thing to do is secretly report it to Facebook and hope Mark Zuckerburg and Co. agrees with you and takes the picture down.
8. “My clothes suck” *stares at closet bursting with clothes* “Guys, I literally have nothing to wear.”This really funny thing happens every Friday night when you go to look in your closet and suddenly all of the beautiful clothes and shoes you have become completely invisible to the human eye and you sit in the middle of your floor, angrily guzzling a glass of wine and enjoying a self-indulgent moment of frustration. Every girl is familiar with this moment and it almost directly translates to, “which one of you is my size and has something for me to wear tonight?”
9. “Excuse me, would you mind taking a picture of us?”Thank God for that one friend in your group brave enough to ask a complete stranger to take a picture of you and your friends. As if that wasn’t bad enough, now you have to break the news that you would like him or her to take multiple pictures, not just one. “Would you mind taking one “long ways” and horizontal, and maybe take a few with the flash on and a few with the flash off?” Even if the pictures aren’t great, your immediate next move will be trying on the various filters that Instagram has to offer.
10. “Is this black or navy?”Nothing is worse than going out and realizing your shoes are black and your shirt is navy. It’s not rocket science to tell the difference…but it’s definitely close. Two colors that are so similar couldn’t look worse when paired together.
11. “Promise you won’t tell her I’m telling you this?”No matter how many times they pinky promise, you can bet your life that the chances of them telling her are very high. One drunken night, with too many glasses of wine, or the next fight you two have, you can bet your bottom dollar that your secret is coming right out there in the open and it will not come coated in sugar.
12. “Seriously though, diet starts TOMORROW.” *While eating an entire bag of chips and trying to shove cookie dough into your mouth simultaneously*.You treat the day before a diet as though you’re going to the electric chair. Every carb you ingest is one you know you’ll have to work off at the gym tomorrow, but there’s no time to think about that now…diet doesn’t start until tomorrow.
13. “Lets see who can have the most chins” *While taking a selfie*If you claim you can’t make a double chin, you’re a liar. 1 chin means you’re a rookie, 2 chins, you’re getting there and 3+ chins means you’re on a professional level and sure to wake up the next morning with a stiff neck from taking countless selfies. I think we can all agree that there is a direct correlation between the number of chins you can make and your ability to not take yourself too seriously.
14. “You B*TCH! You just screen-shotted my Snapchat”It’s hard to distinguish whether you should be happy that your friends find joy in you looking ugly while it just disgusts everyone else or if you should be embarrassed that they now have a heinous picture of you saved to their phone….forever.
15. “Text me our code word if you want me to come save you while you’re with him…”Hanging out one-on-one with guys is great until you walk into his room and his underwear is on the ground, bed is a mess, and his house smells like 3-week-old food. There is no worse feeling than being uncomfortable and hanging out a boy who you thought was normal (and clean). That’s where the code word comes in handy, every girl has one, and every girl has used it at least once in their life. Don’t feel bad, I bet guys have a code word for us too, ladies.