“Her Advice: Breakups Are Difficult and Here’s Why”

Ladies today is going to get a little bit #rawandreal. We all know that breakups are never easy in any capacity-whether you dated for two months or two years. So why are they as difficult as they are, and why does it always seem like the boy moves on at a different rate? All of those questions will be answered, and hopefully, some clarity will be given to you as well! 

 

Last year, I went through one of the most painful experiences of my life. My long-term boyfriend and I decided to end things for numerous reasons mutually, long-distance being one of them, and although it was something I wanted at the moment, I was broken for months after. If you’ve ever experienced a breakup, you know the typical stages: you breakup, you feel on top of the world for about a day or a week, and then everything comes crashing down again. After that, though, you begin to rebuild yourself slowly, and after a few months, you’re back on top and ready to conquer everything life has to offer, including possibly a new relationship. For me personally, I not only lost my boyfriend but my best friend on the same day. I thought it was completely ironic that the one person I wanted to talk to about my breakup and get his perspective on the situation was, in fact, my ex. It just seemed so cliché to me, but it was true. 

You get so used to having that one person around to talk to about your day or wake up to good morning texts from, that those things are the hardest part. After everything that had happened, I would still wake up in the morning and reach for my phone, waiting for that “good morning ☺” text never to come. There are so many different emotions constantly flooded throughout your system that you forget how to act normally for a bit of time, which is perfectly ok. It takes everyone a different amount of time to move past something like this. Even if it was a 3-month long relationship, once it becomes a habit to talk to that one person every day, it’s very hard to break or adjust to life without them again. I won’t lie to you, Collegiettes, but for months I was not myself. I lost a family member as I was already grieving, and that made the situation a million times worse. But one piece of advice a dear friend gave to me was that at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. That one little thing honestly helped me in so many ways, and I was able to build myself back together, without having to rely on someone else to help me. 

 

Breakups can also be really difficult if you belong to the same friend group. Although my ex-boyfriend and I were not the same age, we had all of the same friends, which made things directly after our breakup interesting, to say the least. Constantly seeing that person right after isn’t fun for anyone, and that was another difficult aspect because I wanted to spend time with my friends, but I also was terrified of seeing him every time for several months after. “Out of sight, out of mind” is definitely a true statement, and when I was at school, it was much easier to handle since he doesn’t go to Fairfield. One word of advice-see your friends. If you and your ex are part of the same friend group, don’t let that stop you from seeing them, and certainly don’t have them take sides. That won’t help anyone. 

 

 

Healing also is NOT linear. This was something I had to learn the hard way and would get so frustrated over throughout the healing process. I would go a month or two feeling super great, and finally like I was over it all, and then the next day, some little thing would remind me of him, and I’d spend the rest of the afternoon in tears. And that is more than ok! I read somewhere that it apparently takes half the time to two times the length of the relationship to get over someone fully. If you’re going through a breakup right now and feel like you’ll never get past it and the heartbreak, babe, you will. Trust me. I was you, and I truly never thought that I would ever be ok or not feel numb again. But here I am, living to tell the tale, that at the end of the day, what you are feeling and how you choose to process it is perfectly healthy and ok and normal, and if you have the support from friends and loved ones, you will get by in no time. 

 

Yes, breakups can be very hard, but they also can make you snap out of something you had no idea you were going through. I had no idea that at the time that my breakup was necessary. I didn’t realize how much growing up I desperately needed to do, and that being in a relationship where I constantly had to worry and care about another human being was preventing me from doing so. I had just survived my first semester in college, and I was so used to relying on another person to help me through tough situations that after we broke up, it dawned on me that it was limiting me. I really didn’t know who I was as a person anymore, since the last time I’d truly been by myself was when I was 16. In the months after our breakup, I had so many friends, and family members come to me and tell me how different I was, how much more comfortable I seemed in my own skin, to be doing my own thing. Now, I’m not saying that my relationship had made me change into a different person, and I “finally found myself again,” but it did make me process things differently. I was still the same person, just a higher level of self-love and maturity emerged in the months after. I could express myself in however way I wanted, I overall became a much more positive and motivated person, and I developed myself into a wildly new mindset. And honestly, that was also difficult to accept. I lost a lot of people in my life besides him throughout that transition because people couldn’t accept the fact that I was changing and developing for the better. Looking back at it all, almost a year later, I am such a different person than I was then, or even four months ago. I’m constantly growing and finding new things out about myself, and I’m enjoying the journey I’m on. 

Like I’ve been saying, it’s clear that breakups are not fun for anyone. You feel like a part of you is constantly missing, you go through emotions you didn’t think you’d ever feel, and you’ll cry your body weight in tears (at least for me), but it can also be an eye-opener. Ladies, if you’re going through something like what I went through last year, I’m so sorry and reach out to me if you need someone to talk to! I completely get it. But, if you are going through something right now, not with a significant other but with a best friend, it can feel like the same thing as a breakup. I am confident that you will get through it and be ok again! I didn’t think I’d ever not be numb again, but I am the happiest I have been in a long time at the moment. My last tip-accept that this is the new normal and live your life for YOU. Because at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.