There is something shamefully satisfying about hearing of the misfortunes of others. We’re not, of course, talking about poverty or famine; just the little problems, the embarrassing ones. Nothing gives greater pleasure than hearing a story that makes you literally squirm, desperate to rescue the poor soul whose life has become a casual anecdote for others.
We’ve therefore compiled a list of (anonymous) embarassing moments to satisfy your toe-curling needs. The unfortunate students involved in these scenarios have given us permisson to share their stories, so you too can laugh freely at the all too relatable suffering of others. Read, cringe and sympathise.
This week, the stories chosen to be broadcasted are of about the one thing that we love to talk about almost as much as we enjoy doing it: sex.
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The One Who Couldn’t Stomach It:
I have a friend who broke up with a long-term boyfriend and decided to get out there and live her life as a fun, free, single woman. She started talking to a lot of guys, went out and got a lot of attention. But she was nervous about taking the big step of getting jiggy with someone new. After all, switching sexual partners after that long with the same person, can be difficult.
She started messaging a guy she met on holiday a few years before; he was cute, older, and very available. The slight problem was the distance, but they decided to meet half way in a hotel in London for a romantic night together. The night started well; she wore a cute dress, he wore a shirt and tie. But the wine at dinner went to both their heads and the cocktails after led them straight upstairs and under the covers. For decency’s sake, they’d hired a room with two beds and, after the deed was done, went back to their respective beds and fell asleep. But this post coital nap did not last long. This poor girl was awoken suddenly by the sound of herself retching loudly. Vomit filled her lap. She heard slight stirring from the bed opposite. He was definitely awake. After reassuring him that it was fine, she wasn’t dying, she did what every sensible girl would do: rushed to the bathroom and threw the bundle of vomit soaked sheets out the fifth floor window into the street. Hopefully these didn’t land on any unsuspecting people’s heads! Needless to say, that was the last weekend getaway that they took together.
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The One Who Couldn’t Fake It:
It’s the usual story. Boy meets Girl. Boy buys girl a drink. Girl flirts with boy and allows him a cheeky bump and grind on the dance floor. Boy invites the girl home. Girl says yes. Boy and girl end up in bed together. But here the story changes. To be fair to them both, it was the second event of the night, so they were both already pretty knackered, but determined to make it to the finish line. He was pretty close, panting, sweating and grunting all over the place. It wasn’t pretty. But then he felt a soft tap on the shoulder. He opened his eyes and froze, mid-thrust. “We need to stop. This just isn’t very enjoyable.” He was still frozen in the same position as she wriggled out from under him and rolled over. The message could not have been clearer.
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The One Who Definitely Thought He Could Fake It:
A male friend of mine went to university and started a very casual relationship with a girl in his flat. Picture Friends With Benefits minus the luxury of Justin Timberlake and his beautiful blue eyes to make it all right. After about six months or so, the girl in question, as is inevitable, started to have feelings for this guy. One night, as they lay in bed together, both equally wasted, she accosted him. She insisted that there was a reason that he kept coming back to her bed; he might be scared of getting hurt, but that was ok, he should just own up to it and take a risk with their relationship. She poured out her heart, rubbing his arm reassuringly for hours. And what did he do? He fell asleep. Or pretended to. He woke to an empty bed and a phone full of irate messages. In his opinion, it worked. But we recommend that you do not try this at home.
We hope you enjoyed these cringe-worthy stories, and felt at least a little sympathy for those involved. But don’t get too excited, girls. Who knows when you might stumble across a story that seems a little too familiar…
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