There are so many things I love about womanhood – our miraculous life-creating bodies, our connection to nature and cyclical rhythms, the rich connection we have to the core of our being – however, it’s our innate interconnectivity with each other that champions all else. Our ability to look around a room and understand that each woman shares so many of your fears and desires, serves as simultaneously a comfort and a deep shame. It’s so imperative to live in solidarity and support one another, and I believe the best way to do so is through deep, meaningful friendships, and rejecting the patriarchal imposition of female rivalry.
There is such a raw and gentle love at the centre of female friendships. I used to believe that intimacy was exclusive to romantic relationships, or that platonic intimacy wasn’t real or valid. In reality, I have never known love like it. I have been both nurtured and the nurturer. I have been so kindly cared for in dark times, I have been tucked in and brought little gifts, like cups of tea, forehead kisses and hot water bottles. The fact that I am known so well, better than I know myself, has reframed my perception of interpersonal relationship hierarchies all together.
One of the greatest tragedies that the patriarchy has thrust upon us is the incessant insertion of competition. I resent the way in which women who just happen to exist in the same spheres, be it professional, creative or social, are ruthlessly pit against one another. This breeding of distrust and formulation of sides or teams only sustains patriarchal rule. In fact, it prompted the conceptualisation of the anti-feminist “I’m not like other girls” mentality. To have women affirm their own internalised misogyny so proudly, in ridiculing the interests and passions of her own gender, is stunting our collective growth. In distinguishing themselves as different from other women, and therefore superior in the male gaze, only implies that their misogyny comes from a place of truth. It’s bad enough to be mocked by men for taking pleasure in and enjoying things, but to tease other women for it feels like a betrayal.
We must keep in mind, however, that as women we are consistently at the mercy of oppressive social frameworks. I won’t pretend that I haven’t fallen victim to this binarising mentality – uttered the words “I hang out with boys because girls are too much drama!” I cringe at the thought – I might as well have grovelled at their feet for approval. One day I realised – I love being like other girls. I love going to the bathroom all together, squishing into a cubicle and making friends in front of the mirrors; I love telling girls they are beautiful and that they deserve so much better – I love wearing flares and air force ones, buying crystals and iced lattes – watching Gilmore Girls every night. I love wearing pretty dresses and make-up. I refuse to denounce my femininity just because men see our interests as vapid, or ultimately – don’t really like us. I won’t detach myself from other women for male validation anymore. I think this revelation has allowed my friendships with other women to blossom – I no longer feel the need to isolate myself from their social spheres through fear of being perceived as “basic”.
Throughout our lives, our relationship to other women will bend and fluctuate. I have come to understand that female friendship is not always easy; I’ve fallen out with friends, and it has felt worse than a breakup. I’ve felt displaced, left out, competed against, used and ridiculed, just to name a few. But, I live in the hope and the knowledge that as we mature, our homosocial relationships will only strengthen. I now know that I could never live without my french plait givers, secret keepers, late night whisperers, gentle ticklers, the cuddlers, our dances in the kitchen, the meals we cook for one another – those delicate, delicious moments! I could not exist without them, and their unparalleled support and intuitive gentleness. The women in my life are beacons of warm light, love and gentleness. Womanhood is not a shout into a void, we do not exist in a vacuum – we are sisters, and we should treat each other as such.