Starting uni is one of the biggest changes to experience when you’ve just turned 18, but it’s even harder when you’ve lost one of the most important people in your life.
My mum died from lung cancer in 2015, while I was on my gap year. I’d deferred my place at uni initially because I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do after college. When I found out that my mum was ill, my whole outlook on life changed. I became very pessimistic; I couldn’t accept that my mum, the healthiest person I’d ever known, could possibly be ill.
Then, when she died, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, but at the same time I hated it when people would ignore what had happened. People I thought were my friends mysteriously disappeared off the radar and so many people were just so awkward about it.
Coming to uni finally in 2016, a year after she’d died, became a convenient distraction. I had something to throw myself into, I could ignore just how different my home was and how different I felt. I made some great friends and memories and really enjoyed myself… about 75% of the time.
But slowly it became clear to me that I was fooling myself. A drop of alcohol and I’d be in my room sobbing, a tough deadline would make me so much more irritable than it used to in school, and results day just made me wish my mum was still around to call and tell.
And then I saw a blog of a friend of a friend, talking about how she’d dealt with being at uni after the death of her mum. I’d been offered counselling or therapy when my mum had first died, but at the time I didn’t want to talk about it anymore than I had to, I just wanted to dwell in my own grief. I didn’t think that anyone else would understand. Feeling miserable started to impact on my relationships and friendships; I would lash out in anger and fall out with people, fully knowing that I was being irrational but not able to stop myself.
But after yet another meltdown in the girls loos on campus I decided to contact the wellbeing team for the university and I’ve never been so relieved. What I’d anticipated to be a patronising, worthless experience actually turned out to be one of the best parts of my uni experience. The wellbeing team are kind and welcoming. They offer to call you first so that you can discuss why you got in touch, and I was offered 6 counselling sessions after that phone call. I was at the first one within a week, and it became one of my favourite times in the week. I was able to just spend an hour focusing on me, not having to worry about putting on a brave face, being able to just cry if I wanted to (which to be fair, wasn’t as often as I expected). The counsellor was friendly, understanding and gentle, exactly what I needed at probably one of my lowest points at uni.
I would 100% recommend getting in touch with the wellbeing team, even if you think whatever you’re feeling is ‘silly’. I thought I was stupid, I thought “what could they possibly do to help me after 3 years?”. I still massively feel the loss of my mum, that will never change; but it helped me process some of the emotions and anger that resulted from my sadness.
I’m coming up to the end of my 6 weeks of sessions now. I feel sad that it will be over as I have really valued the time. However, I can safely say that I feel so much better prepared to face the rest of the academic year, and I don’t feel quite so alone away from home.