They say that true love is blind. That it doesn’t judge, doesn’t scrutinise and is impenetrable regardless of what may be thrown at it. In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer it is truly a force to be reckoned with. So does this enduring love still apply as, with one foot resting precariously on the sink bowl, the other offering feeble support in this unnatural acrobatic position, we desperately stretch to get a decent view of a tragically untamed bikini line in the mirror? Should we open our bathroom doors to our doting lovers? “Feast your eyes my darling, watch your daring sweetheart tame this wild jungle! You are my Tarzan and we will experience this triumph over my unruly garden as one.” If he’s not running for the hills you’ve either got a keeper or a deviant… (Or both?) It may seem old fashioned but a little mystery in a relationship is essential; yes, your pores are super pure, your hair has natural bounce and your legs? Well they’re just that silky smooth all the time gosh darn it, must be something in your genes. Some may say doing these things in front of your man is a sign you are “comfortable” with one another. We say it’s a sign the mystery is fading! Because there are some things your boyfriend should just NEVER see…
“Buffing” – They think you have super soft fairy feet and they’re just cute as a button! What he doesn’t see is the hard labour that goes into shearing and filing dead-skin off them, hands red raw from your grip on the pumice stone, sweat gathering on your furrowed brow as the white scales fall like vile snowflakes into your lap. Buffing is a great word to use though. “Don’t come in, I’m buffing” almost sounds a bit suggestive. If only they knew the horrific truth of the buff.
How “dirty” you really are – He wants dirty does he? Well how does a week’s worth of unwashed knickers dotted in various points around your bedroom like the world’s most disappointing treasure hunt sound? (How do they find their way into these spots?) Or the once crisp white bed linen which is now a glorious shade of “California bronze” – or so the bottle says, sadly though it looks like you’ve been snuggling with Wotsits and stray dogs while he’s gone. And maybe you have – and that is ok. Just don’t let him know that.
His precious little peach in a catfight – There comes a time when every girl realises the days of attitude hands and unnecessary gobby-ness must be laid to rest. Okay so occasionally that girl really did knock a drink over you then proceed to flirt with your boyfriend, and maybe a quiet word in her ear about manners wouldn’t go amiss. But there is nothing more cringey to a boy (and every other spectator) than drunk girls having it out. Not so much about mystery, more just common decency. It’s just embarrassing. Calm yourself and react like a lady – by shooting disapproving glances for the duration of the night and bitching about it to your girlfriends later.
Any form of hair removal/bleaching – Bikini line, armpits, top-lip etc.
Anything in or around a toilet – Pretty self-explanatory. Although an exception can be made if he is holding your clutch-bag/skirt/entire body when you wee in a bush after a night out…because somehow that just seems more acceptable. Ah, alcohol.
So those are just a few things that are best practiced in one’s own time. It’s not about keeping him happy (he should be pretty damn happy he has an ace girlfriend), but about making you feel like the glamorous, mysterious girl he fell in love with. There’s such thing as being overly comfortable, so make sure you’re keeping him on his toes and reminding him that even on those long, pyjamas, McDonalds and Come Dine With Me kinds of days you are still a goldmine of secrets and mystery; a goddess, who demands to be treated as such!
Photo Credit – www.gurl.com