TW: Sexual Assault
It’s completely natural in relationships to encounter challenges and navigate obstacles. These challenges and obstacles can occur at any point in a relationship, since a relationship ultimately consists of two individuals coming together, combining similarities and differences alike. However, for those individuals that have experienced sexual assault, this can add additional difficulties and challenges when pursuing a romantic relationship. Sexual violence violates both the physical and emotional boundaries of a victim and the impact of this can be both devastating and detrimental on individuals. As a survivor, dating can trigger traumatic memories but when your partner is educated and understanding, it can make these difficulties much easier to navigate and get through. Detailed below are some suggestions for individuals that are dating a sexual assault survivor.
Education, education, education
It’s incredibly important to be educated about how trauma impacts people in order to begin to understand what your partner is experiencing. Trauma impacts both your mind and body, so when a survivor enters a relationship it can become traumatic since it’s natural for your body and mind to react based on past memories. A survivor’s reaction varies considerably depending on the person. Some examples include experiencing a fear of intimacy, trust issues and flashbacks (both mind and body). How a survivor responds is significant since these responses are the body and brain’s way of protecting the survivor when the body and brain thinks they’re experiencing trauma again. It can take a lot of time for the survivor’s body and mind to readjust to becoming comfortable in their relationship and to ultimately recognise it is a ‘safe’ relationship.
Relationship Progression and Communication
In a relationship you should both take your time to build trust and establish boundaries with one another. Communication is key in any relationship and some relationships move faster or slower than others. So it can be incredibly difficult to not compare your relationship to others, so as to allow your relationship to progress at the stage you both want. Recovery is different for each survivor, since it is based on the type of trauma they experienced and also the length of it too. It is also down to the individual since we are all different and heal in different times and ways. Additionally, it is important to recognise that a survivor’s recovery is fluid, in that it can change day to day, so some days may be better than others. By being an attentive listener, an active communicator, completely empathetic and understanding helps any relationship. It is integral to create solid foundations for a healthy relationship to thrive and to check in with one another frequently.
A Survivor’s story
Discussing past assault can be one of the most difficult and critical points in a relationship. A survivor should have the space and time to tell their partner their story, whenever and however they want. There is no right way of doing this, but it’s important the survivor does it their own way. As their partner, being supportive, respectful and understanding helps to create a safe environment whilst the survivor tells their story. A survivor may choose to tell their story early on in a relationship, or they may only give brief details early on. However, it is important to not place pressure on your partner and to show your partner the love, care, support and understanding that they deserve.
consent
Consent should be important in any relationship, but especially in a relationship with a survivor. It’s very common to attribute consent with sex, however consent is not just focused around sex, it can also include small choices and decisions. Since a survivor’s trauma has violated and threatened their boundaries, consent gives the survivor control over what happens and what they want to do. This might be something like when to have sex, what to do for date night or even what time to go out for a meal together. Ultimately, regaining control is integral to having a thriving and healthy relationship.
Love Language
By allowing your relationship to build slowly, it ultimately allows you both to establish boundaries. It’s essential that both individuals are comfortable with how the other expresses their love towards one another. If there is a lack of communication it can make both individuals feel uncomfortable so it’s important to express clearly how you show love.
Triggers
When your partner is comfortable, it is important to discuss and be made aware of potential triggers and things that can cause anxiety and distress. Once these are addressed, knowing and understanding how to help your partner when they are triggered can only help any thriving relationship. Even though this can be a difficult conversation to have, it is integral to discuss in case triggers occur, so that your partner knows the ways to help your significant other.
Look after yourself
Finally, it can be physically and mentally draining if your partner is struggling and that even though you want to help, it is important to look after yourself too. Instead, remember that you are there to support as much as you can and that you are on their journey to recovery too. Finding time for yourself while looking after your partner is difficult, but your relationship should not make you unhappy because of how you feel. Ultimately, you and your partner are a team, so working together, communicating and looking after one another should go hand-in-hand.