The private school boy.
The first thing this boy asked his flatmates was probably how to wash a plate, and while everyone laughs at him they probably love him too, if only because he’s fun to make fun of. Whilst everyone else is drinking the two litre bottles of Lambrini that they picked up for three pounds he is probably casually swigging away at one of the bottles of Dom Pérignon his Mummy bought him for getting into Uni. You’d be jealous, but his generosity, naivety and willingness to drive you around make him one of your best friends.
The lad.
This species goes hand in hand with a beer belly and a desire to boast about their unquenchable thirst for alcoholic beverages. They will often be spotted surrounding by braying friends, desperately trying to display a macho persona. Unfortunately the high calorie count of beer often leaves these lads somewhat larger around the midriff, and their many nights out on the town will leave them wishing they’d spent a tiny bit longer in the library come results day. Fortunately for them, they’re usually funny, have good stories and sort themselves out in time to join a sports team and salvage their bodies.
The wannabe lad
You can hear his braying laugh a mile off, he’s super friendly and at first you’ll think he’s great fun. After a while you’ll realise that his ‘hilarious banter’ is in fact just an example of worldly ignorance, and that he’s no fun sober. The inevitable post-lash vomit sessions coupled with the bad hygiene apparently engrained in the wannabe lad mentality often leads to a somewhat grimy individual, not to mention the need for a trip to the clinic and a deep clean of the bed sheets.
Both of these types of ‘lad’ generally have a heart of gold (probably…maybe… sometimes) and just need to be fed a bit more Judith Butler and a lot less porn and Geordie Shore.
The gap yah guy.
This boy probably missed Freshers Week to spend a few extra weeks in whatever exotic location he was in, but doesn’t fail to constantly remind you that it was worth it for the ‘enlightenment’ he feels and ‘cultural experiences’ he had. Whilst you’re not sure what the cultural significance of getting drunk on a beach in Thailand is, or even how spending a year and thousands of pounds to do so is significantly different from going to university in Cornwall, it can’t be denied that this guy is entertaining. He is a good guy to bring to parties if you want to ensure that there are no awkward silences. Until, that is, he talks about the perils of hostel sex. Awkward.
The eco warrior
Initially their passion will attract you to them and when they tell you that they’re vegan because ‘animals are just like people, man’ you’ll find yourself agreeing with them. However after a few weeks of hanging out of them you’ll realise that giving up bacon sandwiches and smelling of patchouli isn’t worth it for anyone or anything.
The silent one
Even if you live with this guy you’ll probably only see him twice a term. You aren’t entirely sure how they are surviving seeing as you’ve never once seen them in the kitchen, despite the inside of their fridge somewhat magically always being full. After a few weeks of knocking on their door with no answer the realisation that no one you know has seen the inside of their room hits you and you’re slightly scared that there might be a dead body in there.
The arty hipster
You’ll probably fancy this guy to start with, they have dreadlocks and tattoos and bringing them home would probably result in your dad fainting. However, eventually their artistic pretensions, which would only just be acceptable if they actually studied an arts subject, start to grate on you. If you choose to find them funny, as opposed to annoying, you’ll probably have a friend for life, and access to a wardrobe full of brilliantly colourful trousers.
No boys were harmed in the writing of this article.