It’s LGBT History Month this February, and today we’re debunking some of the myths surrounding one of the lesser known and most commonly misunderstood branches of the LGBTQ+ community: Asexuality!
1. People who identify as asexual can’t be in relationships
In general, asexuality means a lack of, or very little experience of sexual attraction. This, however, doesn’t mean that people who identify as asexual can’t also feel romantic attraction, have meaningful, lasting romantic relationships, and fall in love. Some people who identify as asexual are more comfortable alone, or identify as aromantic asexuals, meaning that they feel no romantic attraction either, but equally, many do enjoy having relationships, and many are married and have children.
It helps to consider sexual attraction and romantic attraction as two separate things. Some people feel only sexual attraction, and might want to have regular sex but not want to be in a romantic relationship. Some people only feel romantic attraction, and might want a romantic, non-sexual relationship. Some people feel neither, and some people feel less of one and more of the other.
The long and the short of it is this: identifying as asexual doesn’t mean being single forever. Unless you want to be single forever. You do you, boo.
2. People who identify as asexual are never sexually attracted to anyone
Asexuality is generally an umbrella term, covering the whole asexual spectrum. Uderneath the ace umbrella, alongside those people who feel no sexual attraction, are people who identify as grey-asexual and demisexual.
- Grey-asexual identifying people fall vaguely inbetween sexuality and non-sexuality: perhaps they’ve only felt sexual attraction once or twice in their lives, or maybe they enjoy sex but feel like they could happily live without it. It’s an intentionally vague definition, and it means different things to the people who identify with it.
- Demisexuality is generally only feeling sexual attraction after a strong emotional bond is established. While a lot of people would only want to have sex with someone after getting to know them, people who identify as demisexual generally feel an absence of sexual attraction until there is emotional intimacy
Some people may define themselves as asexual and actually fall into one of these categories. Some people might choose to not identify as anything more than being on the asexual spectrum. Sexuality is really damn complicated, and the general rule of thumb is to never make assumptions about anyone and how much attraction they feel and who they feel the attraction towards, no matter what label they identify with.
3. People who identify as asexual are prudes and never have sex
MORE BREAKING NEWS: some asexual people have sex lives! Not all asexuals are afraid of sex! Not all asexuals are celibate! Just because people don’t feel sexual attraction doesn’t mean they’re prudes!
Asexuality is an orientation, not a choice, so people aren’t asexual because they’re prudish, or ‘frigid’, or because they hate sex: it’s because they feel little to no sexual attraction. While there are aces who are self identified “sex repulsed”, there are also people who identify as asexual who are sexually active. Every person is different, so it’s impossible to paint every person identifying as asexual with the same brush.
Furthermore, asexuality and celibacy are not the same! Actually, they have basically nothing in common. Celibacy is not having sex for one reason or another, whereas asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. Some people who identify as asexual are celibate, but not all of them necessarily are.
4. If you identify as asexual, you can’t be a part of the LGBTQ+ community
There are some LGBT circles who struggle to accept that there are people who identify somewhere along the asexual spectrum who also identify as queer and as part of the LGBTQ+ community.
It can broadly be linked to the issue of ‘straight passing’, i.e. the privilege that comes with being in a relationship that appears to be heterosexual, which is the same issue that has also brought abuse to people identifying as bisexual. Heteroromantic asexuals, for example, are people who identify as asexual but are romantically attracted to the opposite gender. These people allegedly do not experience the same prejudice that other members of the LGBTQ+ community face, because they are in what appears to be a heteronormative relationship. Some queer activisits even see asexuality as a choice, and so they don’t think that asexual identifying people should be allowed access to the queer community.
By definition, asexuality isn’t heteronormative. People who identify as asexual very often have to ‘come out’, often experience forms of prejudice, and experience isolation and alienation because of how they identify. Asexual relationships are queer, because they fall outside what is considered the “norm”, particularly in a society which is dominated by sex.
Many young people who are unaware of asexuality might spend years thinking that there’s something wrong with them, just the same as young gay, lesbian or bisexual people might. There are very few asexual characters on TV (remember when Steven Moffat said that he’d never write Sherlock Holmes as an asexual character because there’s “no fun in that”? Yeah.), even fewer prominent asexual celebrities or people in the public eye. Increased awareness and representation is so important, and including asexuality in the LGBTQ+ community means that more people can be informed of it through campaigns such as the LGBT History Month.
5. Asexual people can reproduce by themselves and create genetically identical offspring
This is the classic scenario when someone ‘comes out’ as asexual:
Person 1: “Oh, so you’re a plant then?”
Person who identifies as asexual: *disappointed silence*
Person 1: “… because plants can reproduce asexually. And you’re asexual. So you’re a plant.”
Let’s just end this here and now. Yes, haha, you’re very funny, obviously your asexual friend is not a plant and cannot genetically reproduce by themselves, what a funny joke that was. Now please kindly never try to be funny again.
For more information on asexuality, as well as help and support, check out the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). If you want to know a bit more about the LGBT History Month and why it’s important, check out the LGBT History Month website, and this awesome video from the wonderful LGBTQ+ youtuber, Rowan Ellis.