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The Standard Measure: Appropriating your Alcohol Intake

I am going to begin with a little history lesson regarding the origins of a shot glass. Once upon a time, a chemist needed a measuring glass, and its name was the Schott glass. Naturally, by the time is got to the United States, we butchered the word and turned it into the infamous shot glass.

Don’t be thrown by the shape, size, texture, or color of the glass. Typically, these glasses will vary from one ounce to 1.75 ounces, unless you are traveling abroad, where you may be served unspecified amounts of vodka, leading you into unsound predicaments with very sketchy characters.

So, I will continue this alcohol lesson with a warning and my sincerest wishes of luck as you strap on your heels and get on board for another night out. Stick to this mathematical equation of alcohol consumption, no matter where you are in the world.

1.5 oz: Slightly warm head
1.5 oz: Slightly warmer head
1.5 oz: Extreme feelings of love toward photographers
1.5 oz: Insistence upon pictures going on your phone to ensure proper Instagram-edits

1.5 oz: Needing a peeing partner (insert before first 1.5 ounces, and after every 1.5 ounces subsequent the first)
1.5 oz: Forgetting that peeing is a thing
1.5 oz: Thinking that Steak and Shake fries are worth it.
= 11 ounces of alcohol, approximately 311 grams of fat (excluding your fries), 100% sloppy

If math doesn’t tickle your fancy, than maybe this series of quotations demonstrating the degrees of sloppiness will.

1. “Guys, can I be pulling off this bandage skirt right now?”
2. “Can it be $1.50 a person to Mags?”
3. “OMG I have the SAME bandage skirt, LF?!?
4. “Does Dominos have whole wheat crust?”
5. “I think I left my Emory Card on the bus.”
6. “Tweet that.”
7. “Oh my god, I’m re-tweeting that.”
8. “Ugh, I’m never drinking again.”
9. “You wanna buy me shots?”
10. “Guys, I’m so bloated in this bandage skirt. I hate drinking.”

Well girls, if the frequent bloating, embarrassing tweets, neglect for important personal items, recurring tongues out in pictures, and desire for Dominos don’t serve as wake up calls, I don’t know what will.

This is college, but there comes a point in time when your binge drinking habits stop being cute and translate to a very poor, sloppy reflection of the fabulous, only slightly tipsy you. While some may enjoy sharing stories about unintentional apparel slips and accidental gulps of a clear substance from a water bottle that is not water, maybe take the severity of your sloppy mishaps down a notch.

My take: shot glasses were created as a form of measurement to ensure the proper amount of chemicals used, as to not harm the subject of the experiment. This form of a standard measurement was not created to ensure shameful memories and abashed morning afters.

Happy Drinking!

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