I recently saw a post on Instagram about how the questions we ask strangers when we try to get to know them do not really allow us to get to know them, and honestly, it took me aback. I personally find small talk exhausting, but I also love meeting new people and making new connections. So, is it possible there’s a way to circumvent the dreaded awkward small talk stage when forming new friendships or relationships? With meaningful small talk, you still ask questions that allow you to learn basic information about people but in more nuanced ways that also allow for a slightly deeper connection with the person you’re talking to. I felt especially inspired by the game “We’re Not Really Strangers,” which asks questions deeper than ones you might normally expect to discuss with someone you’ve just met. For me, just looking at this game and thinking about talking through my answers with someone I’ve recently met made my somewhat nervous, which begged the question: why do we shy away from doing our best to know the people we interact with? Why do we spend so much time with formalities and asking questions whose answers we may not be particularly interested in, like a person’s thoughts on the weather, or answers we know won’t further conversation (“How was your day?” “Good, you?” “Good, thanks.”). And as strange as the transition to meaningful small talk might be at first, “studies show that people prefer having deeper and more meaningful discussions. Moreover, engaging in substantive conversations is linked with greater happiness and well-being” (Dr. Samantha Boardman). With all that being said, I want to include a couple suggestions I found from both “We’re Not Really Strangers” and in looking deeper into this subject on reworded and reframed small talk questions.
-
Instead of: How are you?
-
Try: How are you, really?
-
-
Instead of: What do you do?
-
Try: What are you passionate about?
-
-
Instead of: How’s work?
-
Try: What’s the most fulfilling part of what you do?
-
-
Instead of: What happened?
-
Add: How is what happened affecting you? Why do you think what happened happened?
-
-
Instead of: How was your day?
-
Add: What was the best part of your day? What are you looking forward to tomorrow?
-
Like I said, the transition can be clumsy and slightly uncomfortable, but I’ve found that people are really receptive when you ask meaningful questions, because it conveys a genuine interest in them, their lives, and what they’re saying. So here’s to meaningful conversations and deeper connections with the people in your life!