Hey, Mom...

Up until my freshman year of college, I thought I was straight. I found boys attractive and, like most other girls my age, I had developed crushes on them. I even had my first crush on a boy in preschool. But even though I knew I was straight, I did have an inkling of an idea that I might not be completely straight. I remember being a young teenager, probably 14 or 15, and watching a JennaMarbles video, like every other awkward teenage girl did. She had a video called “Girl Crushes” where she said, “I can’t tell if I want to be you, or be on you. Can I just f*cking stare at you ‘till I figure it out?”. To this day, I still remember that quote so well because I found myself asking it to myself all the time. I would see an attractive girl and ask that question to myself, but I never was able to answer it. Around the same time, I also began watching those cute couple vlogs on YouTube, my favorite of those videos being Kaelyn and Lucy, a long-distance couple of a few years, who broke up only a year or so ago. I still wasn’t crushing on any particular girls at school, but I knew deep down that there was a part of me that knew I wasn’t straight.

Fast forward a few years to freshman year of college, I finally had my first crush on a girl. She was incredibly talented and so beautiful, and she was out. I had never met any girls who were out before, so this was a new experience. However, I had begun dating a guy a few weeks prior to meeting her, so nothing would ever come of it. Even though it was nothing but a school-girl crush, it affirmed my feelings that yes, I like girls too. Suddenly, things began to make sense.

A few years later, I’m a junior and have finally broken up with that boy I had been dating. He was emotionally abusive and effectively isolated me from my friend group, because I was always so upset and reserved. When I had told him that I was bi, he reacted very defensively. He had believed that because I am also attracted to girls, then I must not be attracted to him as well. He was so adamant in this belief that I also began to believe it too. This belief carried over into other aspects of our relationship as well, and I began to feel like it was wrong to be attracted to any woman at all. Or anyone who wasn’t him. After almost two years of dating off and on, I finally found the courage inside of myself to break up with him, and it has been one of the most freeing feelings that I have ever experienced.

It’s only been a few weeks since we broke up, but this is the happiest that I have been in quite some time. I’ve been talking to a girl that all year had been known as “the cute girl down the hall”. But now, she has a real name. She makes me nervous and excited and flustered and I find myself asking when the last time was that I had these feelings. Regardless of what happens, I am so thankful for her. She has allowed me to fully realize and accept myself for who I am. Not a girl who is constantly anxious and wondering why she is never enough, but a girl who is comfortable in her own skin and eager to see what lies ahead.

I am proud of who I am, and I will never again let someone make me feel wrong for expressing that side of myself. I still haven’t told come out to my family, but when I decide to, I may use this article to explain it to them, as I’m sure they will have many questions. So here goes. . . Hey Mom, I’m bisexual.