So currently I have a crush, like, a really big obsessive crush. I hate it. But also I love it so much. I have very complicated feelings about having a crush. Whenever I have a new boy on my mind, I like to be in denial that I feel anything towards this person. A couple weeks ago, I was in such denial about having a crush that I texted my best friend that “it’s just symptoms of a crush but I don’t actually like him.” Following that text I went on Wikihow and looked up, “how to prevent a crush before it forms”. When I finally accepted that I have a crush on this guy I told my friends, “Fine, I have a crush. But I don’t want it. He needs to take it back, I didn’t ask for this.” I think my constant denial of having a crush is me preparing for the annoying heartache parts that I know are attached to a crush.
But then I think about all the benefits of having a crush, all the exciting parts. My crush-denial-syndrome mixed with my love for having a crush makes me question, is having a crush more exciting or more painful?
Before I go into my list, I want to preface this by saying these points are generally applicable to one-sided crushes, not so much mutual crushes or situationships.
Pros:
A new character:
I don’t know if it’s just me and my friends being creeps, but we have an imaginary list of ‘characters’ around campus. Characters are people that we either barely know or have never interacted with that we like to come up with possible backstories for. We text each other when we see our characters with people we know, or when we think they have a romantic partner, or even when they just hold the door for us and we finally hear their voice.
Having a crush gives you a new character. I know this sounds somewhat stupid. But it’s fun having a new person to fill some space in your mind. You get to wonder what they do, what they like, what they think of you. Having a new character is a great way to feed insatiable imaginations. And characters that have a romantic energy are even more fun. There is a new level of excitement when you are attracted to or romantically curious about the person.
Stalking:
This point connects to having a new character. If your curiosity gets the best of you, you may spend a ridiculous amount of time going through Instagram, Facebook, and even Zillow. The ‘stalking’ stage is good to a certain point… try not to go overboard and try to keep it to the internet (no in-person stalking). Though this stage may bring out your crazy side, it’s so much fun. I think everyone has had the same experience where they are sitting around with friends, one person is going through your crush’s tagged photos, someone is ripping apart their friends’ instagrams, another person if going through your crush’s parents’ Facebook, and someone is finding out the value of their house on Zillow. This experience definitely reminds you that one of your friends could be an FBI agent. The challenging part is if you actually interact with your crush, you have to pretend that you don’t know their dog’s name, their address, or the college that their ex goes to.
Butterflies:
Butterflies are on both my pro and con list of having a crush. On the con-side it’s a distraction. It all depends on how you look at it.
Butterflies can be so fun to have. One second you are your normal self, the next you are giddy, frozen, and smiling stupidly. Butterflies remind you how easily people affect people. In the moment it can be somewhat embarrassing – how easily your mood was altered, the control someone has over you without them realizing it. They produce the most unfounded nerves and emotions. You can’t help but smile, or even giggle. I am not the giggling type, but every time I receive a text from my current crush I lose control of my senses and giggle and smile for the following five to ten minutes. I will also probably randomly think of him or his text a couple hours later and giggle and smile for another five to ten minutes – its so stupid.
Cons:
Distracting:
Crushes and focus do not go hand-in-hand. Somehow the second you have a crush everything relates to that person, and thoughts of them tear you away from every task. Even now as I write this article, I am thinking of my crush and how he applies to almost every pro and con. When you’re crushing on someone it feels like it takes everything in your power to focus on academics, work, what other people are saying, or even what you are saying.
Dependent and obsessive:
As someone who feels that they are very independent and self-sufficient, it feels humiliating to become obsessed with a crush. You get upset when they don’t show up to class or pass you on a route where you’ve gotten used to seeing them. You may feel annoyed when the notification on your screen isn’t their name. Having someone, who may or may not know of your existence, control whether your day is good or bad feels mortifying. Also, feeling invisible to someone you are starting to have feelings for can contribute to the heartache aspect of a crush. Introducing yourself and starting a relationship isn’t always an option. The feeling that you’ll never know your crush can be so saddening.
The death of something that never was:
There are a few possible ways for a crush to end. First, you end up with that person (congratulations!). Second, it fizzles out over time. Third, the person indirectly breaks up with you.
The third option is such a humbling heartbreak. Your crush might have gotten into a real relationship, moved-away, proved they weren’t the fantasy you built, etc. Over time, you can develop strong romantic feelings toward a person, even if you never interact with them. If you have spent a good amount of time feeling butterflies and all the other silly romantic feelings towards a person, the end feels like you are being crushed. Even if it wasn’t a completely two-sided relationship, you may need time to ‘mourn’ what has ended. It can feel humbling and embarrassing to have to mourn a relationship that didn’t exist in reality. When you want to talk about it, the conversation can feel like a joke, “I’m so sad I’m not with ___ anymore… were we ever together? No. Did we talk? No. Is this person aware I feel this way? No. Was this all built up in my head? Obviously!” If you think that your feelings are stupid and invalid when mourning a crush, STOP! Just know that myself and many others have spent a good amount of time and energy crying and wallowing over nonexistent relationships- everything you feel is very valid.
Crush Consensus:
Having a crush is a natural experience that almost everyone experiences several times in their life. There will always be the fun parts – uncontrollably smiling, giggling, wondering what they think of you. But there are also the parts some of us could go without – not being able to focus, feeling self-conscious, knowing they don’t know who you are or how you feel. With your next crush, or even a current one, remember that your feelings are completely valid and most people have felt the same way. But also remember to try keeping stalking on social media and not in the real world.