When I was in elementary school, the first couple days of classes were usually spent introducing the teacher to the class, and the class to each other. This consisted of filling out questionnaires, playing name games, and sometimes making posters that could encapsulate ourselves. Part of this was drawing 3 things that were important to us. I loved these activities, and would do basically everything in my power to elongate them as much as I could. My 3 words changed almost every year – sometimes I was really into soccer that year, or reading books, or cooking – but I usually had a few stick figures holding hands labeled with “friends.” Throughout my life I have always held a lot of importance in my friendships, and in being a good friend. I have always identified as a good friend, and thought of myself as loyal, helpful, and kind. So when something happens where I lose contact with a friend, or during a fight a friend tellz me that I’m a bad friend, it usually leads to some kind of existential crisis where I full on panic and dwell on the idea that I wasn’t this ‘Good Friend™’ that I had imagined myself to be.
But when it comes down to it, none of my friends have always been good friends to me. In fact, a lot of the people in my life have reflected on how my friends don’t always treat me well – some of my friends have even pointed out how other friends of mine aren’t good friends. Most of my arguments or issues I have with my friends is whether one of us is treating the other one in the way that a ‘Good Friend™’ would. In reflecting on these fights, I tend to wonder – where do we get this idea of being a ‘good friend’? Everyone has a different definition – some people want their friends to constantly be spending time with them, some want to be texting their close friends as often as possible, some just want occasional emotional support when they need it, and some want to be supported in the activities and organizations they are a part of. But often the way people interpret good friendship clashes, and that’s when fights break out among friends.
No matter what your (or your friend’s) definition of being a good friend is, you have probably experienced moments where you weren’t able to fulfill that definition fully, or they didn’t fulfill yours. It is almost impossible to constantly be supporting all of your friends in all of the ways that they need – being a good friend to everyone is ridiculously difficult, and I don’t think I can point out someone I know or have ever met who could be what I imagine as a ‘Good Friend™’. And that’s fine. Friendship, and humans, are constantly evolving and changing. No relationship is stagnant, and no human being is stagnant. While one month you may be willing to spend every waking minute talking to and supporting someone, the next month could be completely different, and you don’t have the time, energy, or patience to support them in the same way. If they decide that your inability to maintain the constant stream of support means they cannot be friends with you, then that is their decision – but it doesn’t make you a bad friend.
You may be reading this and thinking, “Ailish. This is clearly just an attempt for you to make yourself feel better because you’re a bad friend.” And you know what, you may be right. But friendship, to me, has always been a source of strength, pride, and constant anxiety. I have sat awake at night dreading seeing someone the next day because I think they have decided I am a bad friend – there are people I haven’t spoken to in upwards of 10 years who I still worry that they think I’m a bad friend. And maybe this is just a way for me to find some comfort that I so desperately need, but I also think there is truth in this. If the black and white reality of the Good Friend™ and the Bad Friend™ is true, then I don’t think there is a Good Friend™ among us. We all have our limits on what we can do – we all have personal preferences and personal issues we have with how we show, give, and receive support. Nobody is perfect for everybody.
However, this definitely isn’t to say that you should drop every friend who asks for more from you, or who doesn’t give you exactly what you need at every given moment. No one is going to be perfect for you! All relationships require work, and effort. Don’t use your discomfort as an excuse not to put in extra time for the people you care about. What I’m saying is this – do not let people (including yourself) make you feel guilty if you have not given them exactly what they need all the time. And in the same way, do not guilt people for not giving you exactly what you need at every given moment. Know and expect that your friends are not going to know what you need all the time, and that you’re going to need to communicate. You cannot expect yourself or your friends to read minds. So, give your friends (and yourself) a break every now and then. Friendship is invaluable, and there is no label one can use to define their quality of friendship. Be there for your friends, and be understanding to your friends. There is no Good™ or Bad™ – only Friend™.