This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Emerson chapter.
It’s always hard to fight. Whether it’s with your parents, your best friend or your significant other, it sucks. Sometimes the worst fights are with our significant others, but how do you know how to navigate the fight if it’s your first one? It’s a little different from a fight with your mom, but it doesn’t have to be a mystery. Here are a few things to remember when you have your first fight, without it being your last.
1. Don’t avoid the fight
Avoiding a fight won’t help anything. In fact, it may make things worse. If you keep things bottled up for a long time, you’re far more prone to having a heated fight when you finally explode. No couple is immune to fights, so stop kidding yourself and let it happen.
2. If they ask what’s wrong, tell them
Just say what’s on your mind. If your partner is asking, “What’s wrong?”, they obviously know that something is up. Instead of being passive-aggressive and saying things like, “nothing” or, “I’m fine,” tell the truth. Don’t lie to them, especially when they know it’s a lie.
3. If you felt this way before, don’t suppress it until you explode
Like I said before, don’t do the age old, “It’s always been this way,” or “You never learn.” How can the person know or even learn about their faults if you never talk about them? Be honest, right away. I can’t stress this enough. You may explode about a tiny thing when deep down you know it’s something much bigger than that. But only you know what’s really going on, unless you say something. So speak up!
4. Don’t be confrontational
Being confrontational is one of the worst things you can do. This is probably the hardest thing, especially if you are mad and ready to scream at the top of your lungs. So take a deep breath and approach the situation as calmly as possible—no accusations or altercations. Just have a conversation, not a “heated” conversation.
5. Listen to their side
This is hard too. While you’re sitting up on your high horse of “I’m right and you’re wrong,” please remember that the other person probably thinks that too. So listen. The most important part of any fight is listening. That’s the best way to get through a fight, because even though you may have that well-crafted comeback, it doesn’t mean it will make things better.
6. Don’t go halfway
You’re fighting and you say, “I don’t care anymore. Just drop it.” It may be a quick fix, but will soon prove to only be part of the latter problem, also known as your second fight. If you start a fight, why prolong it, just finish it. It will feel so much better and the resolution will help you and your significant other understand how to get through a fight, and more importantly past it.
7. When the fight is over, it’s over
A relationship is no place for grudges; leave that for your enemies and family members that embarrass you at every get-together. When a fight is over, it’s over. This is important because the point of fighting is to let your partner know how you feel and see if there is a possible solution. If you love them enough, you should never have any deep resentment toward them, even after you’ve said your piece.
I’m not claiming to have followed these rules. In fact, I broke every single one durig my first fight with my partner, but I want you to learn from my mistakes. After my first fight and hearing my partner say, “I had no idea you felt that way. I’m sorry,” it made me realize that being mad at him for not understanding why I was mad was unfair. So do yourself a favor and take this advice. You may find that fights aren’t the worst thing in a relationship.