I grew up watching the Harry Potter movies. Harry was my hero, Ron was my best friend and Hermione was the best version of myself that I could be. I hadn’t heard of the books until after I watched the first movie, and decided that I wouldn’t read the books until after I watched the entire series. So here I am, 5 years after the last movie’s release, (badly) summarizing and reviewing the first four of them, for all the ones lucky enough to find the time to go watch the movies again this month.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone:
The movie starts off by introducing us to Harry’s family, the Dursleys. The story begins with some fun games, during which Harry lets a snake out of his cage, owls swarm 4 Privet Drive, and Dudley, his cousin, grows a pig tail. The plot doesn’t really progress until Hagrid tells Harry that he is a wizard (DUN DUN DUN!). Harry gets to Hogwarts, is sorted into Gryffindor along with Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, who soon become his best friends (if only socializing were that easy). Over the course of the movie, Harry and his friends find out that there is a three headed dog guarding something in a basement, get attacked a couple of times, find out Voldemort is a sucker for unicorn blood (haha see what I did there?). Will Harry and his trusted friends—the invisibility cloak and parents’ money, end up saving the school so that Harry has an actual home? *cue “Hedwig’s Theme”*
What’s good: Young DanRad, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint. The food in the Great Hall, and the architecture of Hogwarts. The story is pretty cool, especially if you’re a little kid watching your first fantasy movie.
What’s not good: I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter, y’all. And I guess for the book readers, Harry’s eyes weren’t green (although that was because DanRad was having an allergic reaction to the lenses).
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:
The second movie in the franchise, Chamber of Secrets, deals with a crazy flying car, really huge spiders, a chamber full of secrets and the bigotry of the Slytherin house. Harry Potter and his friends go off on yet another adventure, flying cars and meeting Dobby the house elf. It is up to them to find out who is setting Slytherin’s one and only friend, the basilisk, out and about at night to petrify students and pet cats. I mean, I also would go after the cats if I was a 50 foot long snake with basically Medusa’s eyes. But it becomes an issue when more people get petrified. So the obvious solution to this problem is to put a wig on DanRad to make him the first floor girls’ bathroom ghost, Moaning Myrtle. And introduce Gilderoy Lockhart, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, who seems like someone I could beat in a wizard’s duel. He’s handsome though, so the girls don’t mind. Harry quickly makes and loses a friend in an old journal he finds, after which he finds out that Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, has been taken to the Chamber of Secrets. Obviously, because everyone at Hogwarts is useless, they decide to send the even more useless Lockhart into the chamber with whom Harry and his crew tag along. Will Harry get Ginny out of the chamber? Or will he be petrified by how terrifyingly good looking young Voldemort, AKA Tom Riddle, was?
What’s good: Chamber of Secrets is honestly my favorite movie and book in the Harry Potter series. I don’t know why everyone hates on it, honestly.
What’s not good: NOTHING! Don’t say a word against this movie.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban:
Harry Potter and his friends, and dementors 1&2, have their biggest challenge to date—to stay safe, and inside Hogwarts. The movie has trips to Hogsmeade, the cute snow covered village near Hogwarts, everyone’s worst nightmare the privacy invasion map, and every student’s go to, the time turner. Since Harry’s life is under threat and his abusive family won’t let him go to Hogsmeade, Harry spends most of his time bonding with Remus Lupin, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. We also hear about Patronuses for the first time in the story. They are probably the coolest and sweetest magical concept that I’ve ever heard. Anyway, after Harry and Hermione get beat up by the Whomping Willow, Ron gets kidnapped by Sirius Black (the dog) and we find out that Lupin is a werewolf, we come to the point of this movie. Sirius Black isn’t the prisoner everyone should be looking for—he wasn’t the one who betrayed Harry’s parents. It was Remus and Sirius’ other friend, Peter Pettigrew that RATted them out (sorry I couldn’t resist). Peter Pettigrew cut his finger off and turned into Ron’s rat Scabbers for twelve years, so that people would think Sirius Black had disintegrated him. But as the school authorities (dementors, really, because what Hogwarts professor has ever gotten any actual work done?) don’t know this, they imprison Sirius Black who will be kissed by a dementor at the end of the day. Harry uses Hermione’s time turner to go back and fix the timeline so that Sirius Black doesn’t get killed and has his name cleared.
What’s good: Hermione badass Granger sucker punching Draco. And how dreamily messy DanRad’s hair is in the movie.
What’s not good: All three of them look like they aged five years between the last movie and this one.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
In the year that everyone forgot to go the barber’s shop down the road, Harry is forced to take part in the Triwizard Tournament against Cedric Diggory, Viktor Krum and Fleur Delacour. Yes, the math doesn’t add up, but apparently if the Goblet has chosen Harry, then Harry has to take part in the tournament. There’s an annoying journalist who can’t even be bothered to write her own stories, an awkward ball and some very weirdly particular competitions as a part of the tournament. And to add to the drama, Harry keeps having nightmares about Voldemort’s comeback, is fighting with his best friend Ron—Ronal Waznib?—whatever his name is and also has to deal with Mad Eye Moody (the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor) and his invasion of privacy. Of course, being the hero, Harry does find himself coming in first or second place in some competitions, but as viewers we just want him to get out of things alive at this point. In the final competition, where they have to go through a maze and get the prize, Harry and Cedric’s honors for winning seem to include transportation to a graveyard where Voldemort comes back to life, and dueling the Dark Lord. Bonus points to Cedric for dying in the hands of the bad guy.
What’s good: I loved the plot twist in the end where we find out that Moody is actually Barty Crouch Jr., a death eater. And I weirdly enjoyed Rita Skeeter shipping Harry and Hermione.
What’s not good: “DID YA PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE HARRY!” said Dumbledore calmly.