With Valentine’s Day and my boyfriend and I’s two year anniversary approaching, I have taken the past couple of weeks to reflect on our relationship. The past two years have been filled with vacations, fancy dinner dates, crazy nights out, cozy nights in, a lot of kisses, the best sex, inside jokes and more love than I ever thought possible. We have grown as both individuals and as a couple, learning how to fit each other into special spaces of our lives. Being in a committed relationship isn’t always easy, but the good times and the feeling of being in love makes it worth it. By no means am I a relationship expert, but I learned a lot in the past two years. Here are my secrets to a happy and healthy relationship.
1. Don’t overreact
When your partner does something that upsets or frustrates you, it can feel like a bigger deal in the moment than it will a few hours later. Instead of immediately starting an argument or yelling at your partner, take a few deep breaths and step back for a minute, or even an hour or two. Ask yourself: Why is this upsetting me? Will this matter in a few hours from now? A few days? Of course there are times when flying off the handle is totally justified, but I’ve found that calm conversations about something that bothered me are more productive and enact more positive change in my relationship.
2. find your balance
If you asked my friends to describe me, they would probably say I am passionate and outspoken. In high stress moments, I can be high strung and over-reactive. My boyfriend is definitely a more relaxed person than I am, and so our demeanors balance each other out quite nicely. When I feel like the world is ending, he’s there to ground me and assure me that in the end, everything will be alright. And there’s no doubt that I make life more interesting for him!
3. make time for dates
If you and your partner are friends with each other’s friends/roommates and hang out in group settings often, it can seem like you are spending plenty of time with one another. While I love group movie nights, double dates and parties with my boyfriend, making time for just the two of us has been vital to the success of our relationship. This quality time doesn’t have to entail a big, expensive, date night (although it can) and can revolve around simple activities. Cook dinner, see a movie, grocery shop or run errands, or dedicate some time to intimacy and cuddling. With the right person, life’s most mundane moments will feel exhilarating.
4. Pick a show to watch together
Watching a television show with your partner is a great way to enjoy each other’s company and will give you a shared interest to talk about. If there aren’t any new shows that my boyfriend and I want to watch, we take turns picking out a series. The best part about this tip is that if you are apart or long distance, you can use Teleparty. We are currently watching Euphoria and Friends (which we always put on). Some of our other favorites: Community, Barry, Outerbanks, You, Sex Education, and Love Life.
5. Communicate
Communicate, communicate, communicate! I can’t stress this one enough. Good communication is the key to any successful relationship, but especially a romantic one. Conversations about the progress of your relationship and what is working well versus what isn’t can be helpful. If you are going to be late to a date or have to rearrange plans, let your partner know. Communication upfront about things that may have upset you — whether it’s related to your partner or not — is key.
6. Tell your partner what you like
This is important in all aspects of the relationship, but I’m mainly talking about the bedroom here. Communicate with your partner how you liked to be touched, your fantasies, and things you want to try. Whether you’ve been dating for two months or two years, there are always ways to elevate your sex life.
7. speak their love language
Find out your partner’s love language(s) and speak it. If neither of you have taken The Love Language quiz or it’s been awhile, I suggest filling out the quiz separately and discussing your results. If they value acts of service, offer to cook them dinner or help them with chores when they’re busy. Words of affirmation can include thoughtful text messages throughout the day or telling them how much you appreciate them. Physical touch doesn’t just mean sex: hold their hand out in public or cuddle when you are together. If quality time ranks high on their list, make specific times for date nights and hanging out during the week. If receiving gifts makes your partner feel loved, they don’t need to be expensive. You can buy them flowers even without a special occasion or leave them cute notes. Many people have several love languages, and so a blend of these approaches can be helpful.
8. Honor your own life
It is totally normal to spend a lot of your free time with your partner, but you can’t forget about your friends in the process. This is something I am still working on, but find a healthy balance between your relationship and other aspects of your life. Have your own plans and your own goals. Enjoy self care nights and sleeping in your own bed. If you and your partner broke up, of course you would be sad, but would you still be satisfied with your life? If you can honestly answer yes, then you’re doing a good job in this area. (For more specifics on honoring your life, follow Eli Rallo on TikTok @thejarr and on Instagram @eli.rallo.)
9. make everything an adventure
My boyfriend always tells me that no matter what we are doing, he always has fun with me. Life won’t always be exciting, and so enjoying each other’s company and making simple moments fun is important. When we’re together everything feels like an adventure, whether we are picking up dinner or going on an actual trip. Back in January, I had COVID and about a month later I went to the emergency room after spraining my ankle. Neither of these things were fun, but my having my boyfriend by my side almost made it feel like these two events were adventures in themselves. His support and our laughs during these times made for some good memories out of less than glamorous situations. I’m not sure if this is something you can cultivate from a relationship or if it’s just something that is naturally there. My final piece of advice: If you are lucky enough to find someone who makes you smile during life’s most random moments, hold on to them.