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Why Valentine’s Day Candy is the Worst

 

Valentine’s Day candies are an iconic part of the holiday. But while they can be romantic and nostalgic, they’re also disgusting. Nobody seems to want to talk about how horrible Valentine’s Day candy is, so I’ve decided to compile a list of the worst offenders.

 

  1. Sweet Hearts – I’m not even sure why anyone would willingly eat these. The pastel rainbow colors are pleasing to the eye and the messages on the candy can be fun, but the taste is horrendous. It’s like Flintstone Vitamins meet bubblegum meet cough syrup. It’s NASTY. Not only is the taste bad, but the texture is as well. It’s like eating tiny pieces of chalk and almost breaking your teeth on them because they’re so hard. And the taste lingers afterward. They’re not good, people. 

  2. Boxes of Chocolate – Okay, some boxes of chocolate are good, but definitely not the boxes you can buy in the grocery store or in a convenience store. The chocolate tastes like sadness and chemicals. It’s somehow sweet, bitter, and salty at the same time. The texture of this chocolate is a disgrace to chocolate everywhere. It’s grainy and really doesn’t melt in your mouth with much ease. Overall, not a great choice in candy.

  3. Heart-Shaped Lollipops – I feel the need to specify which lollipops I’m talking about here. You know those ones that are blood-red, cherry flavored, and heart-shaped? Yeah, those. I don’t have a problem with the milky-pink heart-shaped Valentine’s day pops, but the red one are the worst. They taste like the nostalgic cough syrup of one’s childhood. Or like the ones they give you at the doctor’s office for being a good patient. Either way, it tastes like illness and in no way reminds me of the sweetness of love. 

  4. Any traditional candy bar with a Valentine’s Day wrapper – Come on. It’s like the company didn’t even try to make something unique. They just slap a wrapper on it and call it the perfect holiday treat. People, it’s not a treat if you can buy it literally any other day of the year. Y’all can do better than a transparent marketing ploy.

 

I don’t mean to be a complete downer about Valentine’s Day because there is a lot about the holiday that is genuinely sweet. That’s why I’ve also decided to give a few suggestions for some tasty Valentine’s Day treats as well. 

 

  1. Chocolate Covered Strawberries – Guys, these are seriously the best choice. They can be covered in any kind of chocolate that you desire, including white chocolate. They provide sweetness with a healthy treat. The chocolate provides a bit of crunch while the strawberry provides the perfect level of juiciness and tartness. They’re an extremely romantic way to let your significant other or even just your friends know that you love them. 

  2. Heart-Shaped Cookies – Everyone loves homemade cookies especially those in the shape of a heart. Classic sugar cookies are the way to go because you can dye the batter to make them pink or red. Or, you can buy pink or red icing to decorate them however you please. Either way, your friends and loved ones will appreciate the effort of a homemade treat. 

 

I’ll admit, there are not a lot of options outside of the traditional Valentine’s Day candy, but that just means that someone somewhere has to start brainstorming new ideas for treats! The day will come when we can finally say goodbye to cough syrupy pops and chalky hearts, and welcome something truly delectable into our celebrations of love. Maybe, just maybe, you can do that for someone you love this Valentine’s Day.

Morgan Smith

Elizabethtown '21

History Major Women and Gender Studies Minor
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