I have something that I need to say. There is a pandemic that’s sweeping Eckerd and it needs to be stopped. No, not MRSA. I am talking, of course, about fanny packs. Although these may seem like a convenient way to effortlessly carry your things around with you, I beg you to reconsider when you make the choice to sport this atrocious appendage.
Fanny packs remind me of what my mother wore to the flea market in the mid-90s. If that’s not the look you’re going for, I highly suggest carrying a purse. I mean, how hard is that? I’m pretty sure the purse came first anyway, which begs the question: who the hell invented the fanny pack? Why did they feel that it was an appropriate accessory to any outfit, ever? Interested parties need to know.
My intense investigative journalism (OK, I used Wikipedia) says the name of the fanny pack is derived from the fact that, originally, they were traditionally worn facing the rear, or fanny. If this isn’t enough of a deterrent to keep you from choosing to wear a fanny pack, consider what the word “fanny” is slang for in the UK. Google it.
So, by now you’re probably wondering why I’m tripping about fanny packs. My mother, God bless her, still wears them. Constantly. Keep in mind, however, that my mother is significantly older than the average Eckerd student. College students, no matter where, or how old, or how socially inept, should never, ever wear fanny packs. That’s that. When I see somebody that was born after 1985 wearing a fanny pack, I instantly question what they’re carrying in there that wouldn’t otherwise fit in a purse or a backpack. Some things that come to mind are:
Medicated eye drops
Your mother’s work number
A light up unicorn
Melted chap stick
An EpiPen
Crumbs/a dead hamster
Next time you’re thinking “Hmm… this outfit would look great with a fanny pack,” think again. Seriously. I would argue that you’re not even thinking in the first place, but I’ll rest my case. Eckerdites, the fanny packs are getting out of hand. If it’s small enough to fit into a fanny pack, it’s small enough to fit into a purse, backpack, or just in your hand. Or you just shouldn’t carry it around at all. Like the light up unicorn.