Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks. You might be at your dining table at home giving thanks for the presence of your crazy grandma, your weird aunt and her screaming child formally known as your baby cousin, and your parents for paying your college tuition or maybe you’re at Duke giving thanks to ramen noodles. Either way, Thanksgiving is a time to appreciate all the things in life we often take for granted. But once you’ve given thanks for all the delicious food around you, your family, friends, and your school, remember to give thanks to a higher power, to Darwin, to whatever you believe in, for the glory of sexual pleasure.
Here are some ways in which you might show your gratitude:
1. Before you set the table with all the holiday trimmings, have sex on the dining room table. Let the turkey cook on autopilot, strip off your apron, find your boyfriend, boytoy, boy who is actually just a friend, etc, or invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner and have appallingly loud sex on the dining room table. This way you work up an appetite, are surely to win the award for being the most awkward event at family Thanksgiving, and will have shown just how truly dedicated you are to thanking the sex gods for their gifts.
2. Eat turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce off your lover’s body. This will help you eat entirely less than you normally would, allowing you to avoid your annual tryptophan coma and bulging Thanksgiving gut. It is also a fun way to really give thanks for both the food and sex you have received this year. Kill two birds with one stone. The sex gods will be proud.
3. If you’re staying at Duke, convince your loved one to stay too and attempt to cook a Thanksgiving meal in the confines of a poorly stocked kitchen in Edens. After you realize you can’t possibly cook a turkey in the tiny stove and that you don’t even have any pot or pan big enough to put a 15 pound turkey in to cook just give up and have Thanksgiving sex instead. The sex gods will applaud you for forgoing the indulgence of Thanksgiving dinner to have Thanksgiving sex. Man, you’re so selfless and giving!
4. Pull a Seth Cohen and have sex with two girls at once on Thanksgiving in your own home while your sweet mother attempts to cook dinner. Just don’t get caught in the middle of your kitchen by both girls at the same time… You’d think the sex gods would cut you some slack for nabbing two sex buddies at once, especially on such an important day…jeez.
5. Lastly and most importantly, eat your pumpkin pie. A study done at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation (wait, this exists? It must be the best place to work, ever) in which subjects were exposed to food aromas and then tested for their “level of arousal by measuring blood flow to participants’ genitalia” concluded that the smell of pumpkin pie (particularly when paired with lavender, but whatever) caused the most arousal in men. So what if every single aroma they served up for wafting spurred arousal, pumpkin pie won! That means Thanksgiving wins! And that means you win! Pumpkin pie is a natural aphrodisiac so serve yourself a big heaping slice of pumpkin pie and one for your boytoy or girltoy too and have at it. Maybe eat the pumpkin pie before you eat the turkey so that you can get it on before the tryptophan knocks you out cold. Btw, tryptophan “is a building block of the neurotransmitter serotonin, which soothes pain and enhances pleasure.” Man, Thanksgiving is the best. It’s like taking drugs without actually doing anything illegal. Save the illegal stuff for your sexual positions. Hehe. Thanks Jennifer Copely for your finely written Nutrition article; I learned a lot about sex. You can read more here: http://jennifercopley.suite101.com/aphrodisiac-foods-a122211
So roll over in the morning, turn on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, watch some big inflated balloons for a couple hours and then enjoy a slew of more inflated things throughout the day like your stomach after dinner and his…. you know…. after dessert. You’re just getting started. Thanksgiving never felt so good. And no matter what you choose to do with your Thanksgiving, remember to give thanks for sexual pleasure and maybe do a little less oral on your food and more on your partner. The sex gods are watching.
Image: http://www.rachelleb.com/images/2011/01/libbys_famous_pumpkin_pie.jpg
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Duke chapter.