It’s been a long semester and as it comes to a close I’d like to leave you all, readers, with my characteristic unapologetic bluntness and, maybe a little something sweet too because well I just can’t say no to dessert.
My New Year’s Resolutions
By The Dirty Devil
(I know, it may be a little bit early, but I like to be prepared okay? Plus, I need something to look forward to during finals, and Christmas is cool and all, but New Years is the real holiday)
1. Try “squirting”. Yes, I’ve heard it’s anatomically possible for every woman. So no holds barred, I will squirt if it kills me.
2. While I was hearing about squirting I also heard about anal beads…maybe? Could be good for research? (also, could be bad for sanity) CERTIFIED MAYBE.
3. To have more slow sex. It’s so easy to forget to have intimate, touchy-feely sex. I want to look into my partner’s eyes. I want to feel not just his penis but also his arms, his skin, his back, his chest, his hands, his eyelashes brushing against my cheek. I want eskimo kisses and all that lovey-dovey stuff.
4. To watch a more varied selection of porn. Its getting too easy and I’ve always wanted to figure out what the “funny” category on pornhub includes. I’m serious they have a category labeled “funny”. I’m half scared and half intrigued.
5. To freaking exfoliate between waxes. This has to be on my resolution list every year and it never gets done, come on, this year will be the year!
They say the way you spend New Years is the way you’ll spend the entire rest of the year. I don’t know about you, but I want to spend the entire rest of the year throwing back my head, arching my back, in complete and total sextasy. So I’ll be having sex at that New Year’s Eve party you invited me to…sorry about your coat in advance. We probably will stumble into the room where you’re keeping all the coats and I will probably feel less bad about soiling your black pea coat because I know you rather I do that than doing it on some poor rando’s. Duh.
Lastly, 6. Don’t forget to enjoy and value the sex that you have, that you give, and that you receive. It’s been a semester of unabashed hook ups, sexual encounters and disasters, of boyfriends and long distance, of that one guy at shooters or dancing at Mt. Fuji. It’s been hectic with waxing appointments and student health appointments. Remember that even though sex is sh*ts and giggles, its ultimately about an intimate moment and connection with you and your partner, with you and yourself. Sexual boundaries, sexual exploration: you’ve heard all the warnings, all the guidelines, all of the stories. I’m just hoping that we all don’t forget that sex, can be a great thing, an amazing thing, a beautiful thing. Go have some mind-blowing, heart-throbbing, happily-ever-after sex this year, because like that Refectory brownie, you deserve it!
Image: http://img2.timeinc.net/health/images/slides/2011-year-resolution-400×400.jpg