You remember Berger right? From Sex and the City. That weird blip of time when Carrie was dating Ron Livingston on television and you were like, why? This was before you saw Office Space and realized Ron Livingston is actually really freaking hot, not to mention a straight “gangsta”. (If you don’t get the reference go rent Office Space from Lilly Library right now you starfish living under a rock). Back to Berger. Remember the problem with Berger? The fact that he couldn’t satisfy Carrie in bed, that the sex was really bad, that even though their relationship was intellectually and emotionally stimulating it was also physically stifling? Yea. There’s the point of all of this: bad sex. We’ve all had it. We’ve all participated in it.
Your first time was probably the worst. It was as boring as the TPS reports Ron Livingston wrote in Office Space and looked as agonizing as when he rubs his Berger-character on top of Carrie like he’s trying to rub off something sticky on his private parts. Ew. And I’m sure a few of your drunken hookups have been pretty bad. Oh well. This only leaves us with one question…can bad sex turn good? Can bad sex make the 360-degree turn around into good sex like on the show when Berger finally finds his manhood and gives it to Carrie real hard? (Mind you, this is all before he chickens out and breaks up with her on a sticky note…the guy was just…sticky).
Can bad sex become good sex or should we cut our losses and get out of there as soon as the bad begins? And is it our fault or is he just not that INTO us (literally, into us, with his penis)? Or should we just anticipate it all ending with a sticky note reading “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.”?
Practice makes perfect right? So maybe if we practice like Carrie and Berger did, we can find a way to make that intimate moment shine. After all, the best part about getting with a new partner is learning about their sexual quirks and personal style. Plus, you get to have more sex and chalk it up to just practicing. It’s like when you work in class to practice for the test except this way is sweatier and requires less coffee and more lube.
But after a certain amount of practicing (like 3 times tops) if the sex isn’t getting any better I’d say maybe he just isn’t that into you. Like his penis is too small to stimulate your carnal goddess or he’s not aiming correctly or he just really sucks in the sack. This is not to be confused with the phrase from that movie He’s Just Not that Into You. That means he’s not into your personality, your charm, your wit, your looks, your intelligence, who you actually are as a person. When I say “he’s just not that into you” here, I mean his penis actually doesn’t mesh well with your vagina. Sorry. After 3 practice rounds if he still gets the move wrong, flash him a sticky note that says, “I’m sorry. I can’t. My vagina HATES YOU.” He’ll get the message.
Summer only gave Seth 2 chances on The OC and he failed both times until he finally pulled out his nerdy-indie-rocker-boy clutch move by slow-dancing her around his room to Ryan Adam’s version of ‘Wonderwall’. EPIC. I’m adding a 3rd chance in our cases because Duke boys might be a little slower to turn to indie hits and slow dancing and because you probably aren’t their Summer Roberts that they’ve loved since 5th grade. Anyway, the point is, strike 3 and you’re out. If Carrie had just used this rule she would have never gotten dumped by a lame guy named after an American meal.
Can bad sex end the future of a real relationship? Let me ask this question from a different angle. Let’s play a little “would you rather”. Would you rather marry “the one” even if the sex was terrible or would you rather marry some random dude you’ll never love who gave you the best sex of your life with the most ridiculous O? I guess it really depends on what you value more, love or sex , and the amount of belief you have in whether it will get better or, as usual, if you can “change him”. Is bad sex like a bad boy? Is it another one of those archetypes that women as a gender believe they can change? We’re stepping into some deep water here, so I’ll let you and your vaginas decide. This is one for the ages.
Lastly, if the sex is bad, it’s not your fault. All you really have to do is lay there anyway so if its bad it’s all on him. Give reverse cowgirl a few tries if you want but like I said, stick to the rule of 3 and your own better judgment. Can bad sex turn good? Sure, maybe. But it’ll probably just end up like it always does…with a whole lot of sticky…notes.
Image: http://girlsguideto.com/files/hes-just-not-that-into-you-.jpg
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Duke chapter.