Almost all women who partake in Duke’s infamous hookup-only culture can relate to this scenario. You’re hooking up with a guy. He could be your regular friends with benefits, or he could be a cute rando you just met at a frat party. You are at the relatively calm stage in the make-out cycle, when the kisses become less wet tongue and more soft lip, and the groping turns to soft caresses. At least for the moment. Neither of you have anything of value to really say, so you just gaze at each other through the haze of your hormones, until suddenly he asks, “What are you thinking about?”
Excuse Me??
I’ve always found myself to be hopelessly lost for words at this point. I mean honestly, do you really want to know what I’m thinking? Chances are, I’m secretly wondering what went wrong in my childhood that led to this moment of standing in a Wanamaker bathroom with my shirt and bra off with a guy because his roommate is asleep in his dorm room and neither of us have the self-control to wait for the C2 to take us to my Central apartment. Or, chances are, I’m trying to transcend my bodily urges and ascertain whether or not doing any more with you is actually an intelligent idea. Or, there is always the chance that I’m not honestly thinking at all and I’m just caught up in the moment, concentrating on touching you in as many places as possible as quickly as possible, so I can satiate my base cravings and then maybe capitalize on the fact that I’ve sobered up so I can study a bit of Orgo before hitting the sack.
However, I am aware that all of these are boner-killing and thus the wrong answer. The fact that almost every guy I have ever hooked up with has put me face to face with the perpetual quandary of coming up with an adequate response to this question finally struck me last weekend. With my back against the sink, the question was posed. Not wanting this gorgeous guy to think that I was a shallow, promiscuous female, and truthfully not wanting to go too far anyway, I mumbled in an attempt at a sexy voice something completely unsexy about how I was not entirely sure the proceedings were a good idea. I struggled pathetically for a you’re-so-charming-I-don’t-know-if-I-can-resist-your-charm-even-though-I-will-in-the-end-but-for-now-I’ll-pretend-otherwise connotation. Peeved that it was an obvious fail of a response, I aggressively shot his question back at him. He looked down and surveyed my body. “I’m thinking about all of the dirty things I want to do to you right now.”
Oh.
Okay.
That’s cool with me I guess.
So then if that is what he was thinking about, I suppose maybe he would not have actually considered me shallow for the reality of the path on which my thoughts were taking me- into his pants. But the fact of the matter was, I really like this kid, and I want what I know is impossible for me to have at Duke: him as exclusively mine. In a – gasp – exclusive relationship. So I can’t play too easy to get. But then what is the most appropriate response for a guy like him to hear?
Determined to uncover the answer, I consulted a few of my guy friends. “Oh, I do this all the time. Dude, he doesn’t actually care what you’re thinking, he’s just trying to say something to fill in an awkward silence before he goes back to digging his tongue down your throat.”
Beautiful.
“He wants to know what you’re actually thinking because girls are impossible to read and he wants to make sure he’s not doing anything that might make you uncomfortable. Just tell him the truth.”
“He wants you to talk dirty to him.”
Beautiful again.
So basically what I learned is that every guy who has ever asked me this question at some point during a hookup could have been looking for any one of an infinite number of responses on a vast spectrum of dirty to clean, and truthful to completely fabricated. Yikes.
I don’t want to have to spend too much time considering a suitable rejoinder to this query next time around, possibly say the wrong thing, and consequently ruin the moment. Therefore, I am determined to come up with a safe answer that can be used every time and that is flirty, yet not entirely impious, and clever, but not too complicated or deep. And definitely not boner-killing, because let’s face it: anything you are saying at this point should be positive reinforcement. If you are having any misgivings about what you are doing or are about to, you should speak up immediately and not just wait for him to ask if it is okay, because he might not ask.
These are a few possible responses that I came up with. They all require the insert of coy winks and smiles. Feel free to comment with your input on them and also to share your own ideas for responses:
- “I was thinking that I don’t know how you do it, but you manage to make this bathroom look sexy.” (What I wish I had said.)
- “I was kind of just letting my body do the thinking. It was pretty curious.”
- “I was thinking, hmm, he isn’t so bad at this.”
- “I was admiring how nice your hand looks right there.” (Assuming it is somewhere on your body.)
Or, as one of my closest guy friends advises, you should just beat him to the punch and ask him the question first. Then, if he asks it to you back, you can gauge an appropriate answer based off of his response, or take the cheap route and say you were simply wondering what he was thinking about, hence why you asked the question in the first place.
For Duke women, witty in the classroom is witty in the bedroom (or Wanamaker bathroom, of course), so go ahead, tell him what you are thinking about.
Lilith (Hebrew: ?????) is a character in Jewish mythology known as Adam’s first wife before he married Eve. After God created Lilith, Adam and Lilith immediately began to fight. She said, ‘I will not lie below,’ and he said, ‘I will not lie beneath you, but only on top. For you are fit only to be in the bottom position, while I am to be the superior one.’ Lilith responded, ‘We are equal to each other inasmuch as we were both created from the earth.’ But they would not listen to one another. When Lilith saw this, she pronounced the Ineffable Name and flew away into the air.” Upon leaving Adam, Lilith marries Archangel Samael, who is the devil/ angel of death in Jewish lore. For hundreds of years, Lilith has been a symbol for both evil and feminism.
Photo source: http://www.katmmiller.com/2011/07/friends-with-benefits-and-the-quarterly-notes-on-hooking-up/
http://www.topyaps.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/bathroom.jpg