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The Dirty Devil: Misfit Toy

The Better MIs-Fit Toy

Someone once told me, “If you can’t get yourself off, how the hell do you expect anyone else to get you off?” and those are words every girl should live by.

The number of girls I’ve met that think female masturbation is taboo is astonishing! First off, I know guys that do it at least 5 times a day, and there are many guys that do it even more! According to some fancy study, 98% of male undergraduates masturbate where as only 44% of female undergraduates engage in solo-sex (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002). Ladies, we need to step it up, and I have just the tools to get you there.

The Old-Fashioned Way

We’ll get to technology in a second, but first we need to go over the basics. You need to learn to do it yourself before you even go NEAR those vibrating pleasure sticks. Use your hands! Explore your nether regions and figure out what you like! Think about it. If you can figure it out yourself, you can direct your man, and the sex will be mind-blowingly better. The most important thing about masturbating is staying relaxed. If you’re freaking out about the fact that you’re touching yourself, you’re not going to get anywhere. Take a deep breath, conjure up some dirty image, memory, movie scene you saw, and have some fun.

Fun Fact: Girls can orgasm while doing crunches. It is not a myth, I promise. So if you’re not at the full on hand stage yet, hit the gym and have some fun ;)…. but maybe be careful who you’re around the first time you try this.

Good Vibrations

Now on to the fun stuff for the more experienced ladies. Vibrating toys can be your savior for sexual frustration, a long distance relationship, a boring sex life, and even plain old stress. Vibrators come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and vibrating speeds! There are even vibrators shaped like a tongue…but let’s start with the basics. For the most part a vibrator is a hard but smooth vibrating shaft that you can use on inner or external hot spots. Some even have extra little nubs that are there to stimulate your G-spot (It’s there. I promise. For you non-believers, it’s about two inches in on the upper wall of the vagina a.k.a. towards your belly button). There are also vibrating bullets, which are much smaller in size and are sometimes found attached to cock rings for a different kind of kinky fun for two. 

Now for some important tips:

  1. USE LUBE!! Make sure you use a water based lube without any scent to avoid irritation. If you’re taking your toys underwater you have to use a silicone based lube, because water based lubes will just dissolve. BUT do not use silicone based lube on silicon toys…let’s just say it can get ugly. 
  2. Never ever ever ever use a toy vaginally and then take it to the back door if you know what I mean. Always clean it first before going from one to the other if that’s your thing. 
  3. Always wash your toys. Here’s a little cheat sheet for each type of toy:
  • For silicone toys use soap and warm water. 
  • For jelly rubber toys use a little warm water and cleaning solution specifically for sex toys.
  • If it’s glass, acrylic, or plastic use an anti-bacterial sex toy cleaner on a wash cloth or just rubbing alcohol.
  • Or you can use a condom

I know some of you are trying not to cringe, some of you are shaking your head at me, and some of you (I hope) hear what I’m saying and are dying to go buy your first vibrator, a new vibrator, or do some crunches. For those of you that don’t believe me, I leave you with one more thought: guys like to know a girl is comfortable in bed and with herself. I’m not saying tell every guy you know you touch yourself when you’re bored. I’m saying when things are getting hot and heavy with a guy and you tell him exactly what you want him to do to you, where to put his hand, how to move his hand, or what position’s the best, it’s a turn on. If good old missionary isn’t really getting you to the big O, slip your hand down and add some clitoral stimulation. Not only does it show him that you’re into it, but also that you’re not afraid to have some fun and make sure you get to the orgasm. That’s really the point of it, no?

In the wise words of Gerard Butler in The Ugly Truth, “If you don’t want to have sex with you, why the hell should ________”…I’ll let you fill in the blank.


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