With the return of Mad Men Season 5 this past Sunday and the springtime love in the air I realized something—that I only have 1 more year to complete my MRS Degree. As I was watching Don Draper’s 20-something wife prancing around her apartment attempting to clean up the mess all over the white carpet from the birthday party she threw for her hubby, I thought… why would you ever get a white carpet? And why would you ever throw a party on it? And why would you ever clean up garbage with your hands when men invented rubber gloves and vacuum cleaners for that? I was so distracted by how dirty she left her apartment and how foolishly she tried to clean it up on her hands and knees (not to mention, in front of her husband, gasp!) that I couldn’t focus at all during the 2 hour premiere. How could Mrs. Draper be so careless? How could she not want to make the house pristine for her husband?
My boyfriend was watching with me, eating from a large bag of trail mix and bin candy after demolishing a bowl of pasta. He was enjoying all of the new humor in Roger Sterling’s lines and the plot twists and all I could think about was picking up his trash, dusting off the couch and asking him if he needed anything icy cold and refreshing to drink. I mean, what if he was thirsty? I was so consumed with the idea that I was anxious, so anxious that my boyfriend wasn’t getting everything he deserved.
And then once Mrs. Draper let Don have his way with her all over the dirty carpet I couldn’t help but feel insecure. What if my boyfriend wants me to have sex on the floor and I don’t offer enough? Why was I not lying on the floor half naked all the time for his viewing and touching pleasure? I suddenly came to grips with the reality of my mistakes. What was wrong with me? Why was I so involved with schoolwork and getting an internship of my own and hanging out with my girlfriends. Were my girlfriends going to pay my bills? Certainly not. Could an internship really change my life? Absolutely not. And what kind of woman would I be if I were to pursue an actual degree? The kind of woman that ends up with 10 cats and 200 pounds of digested feelings. NO! How could I have forgotten my true purpose in life so easily? I had to catch up on my MRS studies and Mad Men was a good start. I held my boyfriend’s hand a little tighter and promptly threw away his trash for him at 11pm when the premiere was over. But I knew my work had just begun. I had to go straight to the source… to the mecca of MRS enthusiasts… to the guide for all women seeking to be perfect, loved, and useful: The Stepford Wives (1975).
You know its good because it was produced in 1975, around those great golden ages when women really knew where they belonged. I aspired to be like a Stepford Wife, the epitomy of perfection and poise. Why should I pursue my dreams in media and television? Why should I continue going to school? Why get a career and mess with all of that nonsense if I can stay at home, cook, clean, and get an amazing boob job as a Stepford Wife? They all look so happy and beautiful and I wouldn’t even remember being a real person after they “changed” me anyway. Maybe my husband would even give my Stepford Wife robot a couple inches. I’ve always wanted to be at least 5’2”. I would love to smile all of the time and learn new recipes and do laundry all day. Why do I waste my time writing articles and learning about journalism when I can sit at home, staring out the window, waiting for my sweet hubby to return home after a long day at work? Ah, if only.
So while my boyfriend was asleep I turned on The Stepford Wives and took as many mental notes as possible. And I even wrote a list of things I want my boyfriend to feel free to change about me:
Dear BF,
Feel free to make my hips narrower, my eyes bigger, my nose smaller, my boobs ginormous and squishy (to your liking, baby), my legs skinner and add a few inches to my height for me! Maybe if you could eliminate all the hair on my body except for my head that would be nice. Feel free to program me with the happiest disposition in the world. I never really want to feel anything but happy and I always feel happy with you anyway so why would it be any different? I can’t wait.
Good Luck, do me proud!
GF
Now I just have to wait for him to wake up and decide that he desires a robot with an amazing plastic body more than me. That day must be today…. because it’s APRIL FOOLS DAY!
But real talk, I have nightmares about Stepford Wives. And I don’t mean that wussy crap from 2004 with Nicole Kidman. Somebody tell Nicole she does NOT look good with that hairdo. She looks like a Yorkie Terrier.
Watch the 1975 version and you’ll never get married. It’ll be good for you, you’re going to be a great engineer anyway.
Nicole Kidman: http://images.allmoviephoto.com/2004_The_Stepford_Wives/2004_the_stepford_wives_wallpaper_002.jpg
Yorkie Terrier: http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/sergein/sergein1003/sergein100300039/6559091-a-charming-yorkshire-terrier-is-looking-forward-isolated-on-the-white-background.jpg