No, not those “seniors”!
Ah, senior year. What can be better than senior year? Nothing…if you’re a senior. But not all of us are seniors, and not all of us are graduating next year.
So what do you do if you’ve happened to fall head over heels in love with a senior—and his queen size mattress (because he lives in an apartment with a real bed, real dishes, and real furniture that doesn’t smell like years of Duke students’ puke)?
Well, first of all I can’t blame you. The “senior” is very appealing. It is a common trend. Most guys out-party themselves for their first 3 years at Duke and want to settle down by senior year with a cute little muffin like you. Your youth helps them feel less old walking around a campus that will soon become a distant memory in their minds. You’re a breath of fresh air. Hearing you talk about ACES and registration, about getting a blue zone parking permit, and living in Keohane tickles the nostalgia he’s craving as a senior that’s almost past his due.
Like milk, everyone’s time at Duke has an expiration date. And seniors basically spend their entire senior year crying over spilled milk. Luckily dating you is like scooping up an extra little carton of fat free milk to make up for all the spills he might have experienced over the years. Am I taking the milk thing too far? Maybe. But think about it. When the expiration date is approaching, you become weary because you know your milk is going to go bad and you wont be able to eat your three servings of cereal a day that you nom as a regular poor college student. At the grocery store you always look for the milk with the latest expiration date. Next time, remember to check the dates because that obviously didn’t work out for you when you picked out your senior boyfriend.
Well, girls, the milk’s about to go bad. Your senior boyfriend is about to graduate, and you won’t be getting your three servings a day of “my boyfriend’s a senior,” anymore. Say goodbye to being on top of the world and say hello to reality. Bad milk is stinky. And trust me, when your boyfriend is graduating, it stinks.
“Milk was a bad choice…”
The obvious first move is “the talk.” But when to have the talk? You spend most of your last year together in denial about the fact that only one of you will be left to have fun by themselves next year. You distract each other with everything imaginable so that you’re left with absolutely no time to have “the talk.” And really, who wants to have “the talk” anyway? My advice? Hold it off as long as you can. Sure, at Duke we are taught not to be procrastinators but this isn’t your problem set, this is a relationship and it’s a whole different ball game. That means you are entitled to procrastinate as much as you want. Hold off on having “the talk” about what you guys plan to do with your love for as long as possible, that way you can live in the moment and enjoy every bit of each other before the dead end. Just don’t hold it off until he’s on the plane to New York and you’re driving back from the airport bawling your eyes out…you might want to prepare yourself for that moment. It will happen. Just make sure you come to some sort of consensus regarding your plan for the future together (or not). You don’t want him to land from his hour and a half long flight with 70 messages on his phone of you frantically crying at the wheel. The last thing he’ll wanna hear when he gets off the plane is you sobbing unintelligibly, “I’ll doooo annyding, wee zoo impotaaa—aaann-ttt, wahh-haaah-wahhh I missssss yoouu.” #tears #pathetic #ifyouneedtocrygooutside
So hold of on the talk until a reasonable time, cry it out, and then deal.
Once you’ve had the talk, even if it’s at the end of the school year (preferably not on LDOC. Omg, don’t have this talk on LDOC), you have to deal with the consequences.
If you’ve decided break it off: Well, it probably wasn’t worth it anyway. End of story. I’m a cutthroat kind of girl, and well if we’ve decided to end it, it’s done. For whatever reasons you’ve decided to cut it off, if ya’ll are just not committed enough, if you’ve only been dating a short time, if you are taking two different paths, or if you don’t want to do long distance, it will be okay. On the upside, you’ve still got milk to spill and you can damn right spill it without him! Spill it on some other dudes for a change! Spill it everywhere! Have a good time with what you have left at Duke. Trust me, he wishes he were in your shoes instead of his own big gross stinky ones. But for the broken hearted here is exactly what you need to do:
- Get the first Sex and the City movie. Watch it as your grieving process blossoms. That means that while you’re still sad and angry, only watch to the part where the girls go to Mexico and SJP posts up in her bed, ugly and half-dead from consuming only vodka. When you feel like you can get out of bed and maybe start your life again, start watching the part when she gets back to NY and changes her hair color and gets an assistant. Start primping yourself a little. Don’t go too fast though; relapse is eminent. When SJP hides Big’s emails and revamps her website, you should do it too. You get the picture. Eventually you’ll be sitting in an unbelievably large closet in a to-die-for apartment in Manhattan with a pair of Manolo Blahniks on your feet and maybe a “big” new man there…or not? Who needs ‘em, you know?
If you’ve decided to stay together: Good for you! That’s great. This is plausible if you’ve been dating for eternity, you really love each other, if he’s not a douche, and if you’re a powerb*tch (high-five, fist pump, you did it!). If you think that staying together is a good idea, there must be a good reason behind it. As Duke students, you’re obviously not stupid or frivolous…maybe a little frivolous, but buying too many cases of beer is different from deciding to stay with your long-time girlfriend…
Anyway, here’s how to deal if you’ve decided to stay together and…
Do long-distance: Uh, kill yourself. No I’m just kidding. Contrary to popular belief, long-distance is do-able. If you’re a junior and he’s a senior, it’s definitely do-able for a year. If you’re a freshman and he’s graduating…I urge you to seriously reconsider this decision and read the big paragraph that came before this one. Long-distance can be a scary thing but it’s possible and if anything it strengthens the intimacy of your bond. When he’s not around to bother you to have sex constantly and touch you whenever he wants, he’ll have to touch you in different ways: like your heart. AWWWWW. You can’t wait can you? You’re dying. You’re so excited. If he’s willing to do long-distance, then he’s a swell guy. You can start planning times when you can visit each other and he’ll definitely want to come back to Duke anyway for various reasons, but mostly to see you. It won’t be easy. It will be hard. But didn’t Noah say something like that to Allie before they like, did it so hard that they were in love for a bazillion years? Yea, so think about that. Also the time apart will give you some space to really focus on who you are, what you want, and what you like to do. That will make your relationship stronger because both of you will start to see not just who you are together, but who you are individually. That can only make you love each other more. Unless he’s realized that he’s actually a man-whore without you. Then you have license to tell everyone his embarrassing secrets.
He’s going to law school near by: Oh, wow, great, he’s gonna be like, right there. Like, all the time, like every day, like constantly. Wow, yea, you’re actually never going to be apart or have a vacation from him. Awesome, that’s so great for you. I envy you so much. Ok, that was rude and I’m just kidding. This situation is so convenient and ideal. A) It allows you to hold off “the talk” even longer and B) it gives you more time together to see if this whole thing is actually going to work out and C) wow, he got into law school, he must be a smarty. Good thing you get to keep him for a little longer.
You’re graduating early and moving in with him: uhm….as long as he’s agreed to get you your desired pet (a golden retriever, of course) then yes, yes, yes, yes. Otherwise, this is a big ol’ decision girl, and I’m not sure you’re entirely ready to make it. Consult the oracle. No not the one in 300, gross. I mean your best girlfriend, your mom, and your inner powerb*tch…also maybe hit up Kelly Cutrone or Lady Gaga (both fierce women who might have some good advice about moving in with your man). Listen to your head and your heart. Listen to your dreams and your reality. Listen to yourself as much as yourselves. And if he insists on getting a cat, dump him. #kthxbye
Photo 1 source: http://www.seniordating.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/5251539421_38d10c68d4.jpg
Photo 2 source: http://www.cleanme.us/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/bad-milk.jpg
Photo 3 source: http://www.eve-tribune.com/6_5/angry_wet_cat.jpg