We’ve all been there. Lying in bed next to a guy who won’t commit…whoa, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself here, downer much? What I mean is that we’ve all been there—right smack in the middle of the transition between spring and summer, better known as, that frantic last month of school when I not only have to juggle finals, LDOC plans, my birthday (if you’re an April baby like me, April b-days unite!), AND somehow manage to lock my spring fling into a summer romance. AHHHH. The stress just multiplied. I know. So, how do you effortlessly lock the poor boy into a summer romance after he accidently drank your Springy-sundress-tanned-from-spring-break cool-aid that got him stuck in a spring fling with you in the first place? Easy. Do what women have done for centuries (except in a condensed version). The brilliant process of making the man think he’s in charge and making every decision on his own while actually inception-ing every idea he’s ever had with your womanly prowess, can be accelerated, like everything else you do at Duke. Except you don’t have to take any hard drugs, just slip one to your man. JUST KIDDING.
But for real, it’s a very simple and fun process in which you get to role-play. In order to lock down your romance you need to be the well-rounded vision of perfection that you appeared to be when Duke admissions read your applications and decided, hey, we like her! But just for one month. That’s all it takes. It’s crunch time. After the month you can go back to wearing, saying, and doing whatever you want but if you want to lock down a commitment make it clear that you play HARD. That means taking initiative, getting involved, and doing your best to appear totally aloof yet so caring. I suggest you take one step from each angle of the relationship. There are 5 angles: sex, love, food, entertainment, and sex
(It’s only for a month, so your body can recover at beach week in May)
Step 1: The most important part of this equation is sex. Even if you’re not having sex yet with your springyflingyboytoy you should be…just kidding, you should turn on the spice and make it extra nice. You want the guy to fantasize about you in a bikini until he realizes that it will only come true if he stays with you through at least June. Yay swimsuit season! So bring out your inner sex kitten. If you like to wield your power through the penis, for the last month of school never turn down sex. Ever. In fact, instigate sex. Start this thing where you just stop by his place in between classes and tackle him to the ground, then get up and leave. Before you know it, you’ll have “penetrated” his junk with all of your ideas for the summer love you will be enjoying ahead. Punny.
Step 2: Another important piece of this puzzle is love. Get to his heart, lady! You need to be there for the tough moments. April is the perfect time to do this since finals are coming up and it’s likely to be a stressful month. You can be there for him when he gets a bad grade, when he’s stressed out and needs to study in the library all night, or when he needs a break (aka quickie…always keep 1. Sex in mind. If you can incorporate it into other categories of relationship manipulation, PLEASE DO!). This month will be the perfect time for you to shine as that go-to girl, that one person he feels open with at a time when he’s really stressed about the future, his classes, and next year.
Step 3: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. They say that, but I’m telling you it’s the truth. Even if your man is as skinny as a bean pole, (Summer Roberts called Seth Cohen a “bean pole” once and look how hot he was) you need to make sure to take this month to fatten that boy up with your home-cooked food. Make your specialty dish one weekend out of the blue. Sit him down at the table and feed him your sweet visions of a long summer together with each spoonful of lasagna. Yum. He’ll be fawning over you in no time and begging you to marry him if your lasagna is any good. I have a killer recipe btw, if anyone needs it…it has a 100% success rate. I kid you not. (secret: add more tomato paste)
Anyway…
Step 4: Entertainment. Now when any man is stressed out he likes to kick back with something generally stupid, lacking in substance, and physically stimulating (INSERT SEX HERE). So, maybe you’re going to have to sit through a couple Family Guy episodes, play some StarCraft, or watch FIFA ‘til you fall asleep. Oh well, a minor sacrifice for 3 long summer months of his adoration. Just think, in the future, you can use all that time you spent doing what he likes to do as leverage for making him do stuff that you want to do over the summer like go shopping for bathing suits, YAY!
Step 5: And…we’re back to sex. Did I mention that you should have lots of it? Literally at every opportunity that you get, drop it like it’s hot. But don’t think of it like you’re selling out your body to get him to date you forever. That’s not the point. See, the most beautiful thing about the transitory time between spring and summer relationships is the fleeting feeling of it and watching how sexual intercourse and intimacy transforms over the entire course of a month from “hit it and quit it” to soft kisses, nibbles, and slow, sensual touching. By May you’ll be staring deeply into each others’ eyes, stimulating not only your bodies, but your hearts and minds too. It’s magical.
One last tip: don’t get emotional. I know it’s finals and you’ve got a lot on your plate but just don’t do it. My boyfriend told me “girls are ugly when they cry,” so now I suck it up and cry like a man…inside.