It’s not easy to put a finger on what, in your own perspective of normalcy, might actually be something extraordinary to someone from another walk of life. As the daughter of two Marines (who are now both veterans) my ‘normal’ was admittedly a little bit different than that of my peers whose parents were not in the service.
Some of my experiences were truly unique. I mean, I haven’t lived in the same place for longer than four years during any amount of my time in school. Other experiences were simply a part of coming-of-age, but they were made unique by the contexts in which they took place. Regardless, I know I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without the relationship I have with my parents, and the one they have with the United States Marine Corps. These are five of the most important things I learned about myself as a result of those relationships.
Change is part of life
Life as part of a military family comes with a lot of sacrifice and changes regardless of whether you’re the serviceperson on active duty or one of their loved ones. This is especially true when your parent (in my case, my dad) is on active duty. Change was frequent between moving across the country, changing schools, losing friends, making friends and repeating the cycle a few years later. On top of that were a couple of deployments and other periods of time where our family was separated for a few months.
The circumstances weren’t always ideal, but we went through those changes together as a family and came out stronger because of it. I learned that change didn’t derail my life—it kept it interesting. I thrived on it.
Always be prepared with plans A through Z
Whenever I wanted something new that I didn’t need, or when I wanted to do something differently than the way my parents thought was best, I had to be prepared to explain my reasoning.
Even as a child, “I don’t know” was never an acceptable answer—it was an excuse for laziness. Children are so much smarter and more self-aware than I think we give them credit for, which was something my parents saw in me quite early. Being forced to learn how to explain and articulate my thoughts and feelings as a child helped me learn to always have a different way to explain my views in case my mom or dad didn’t agree with or understand my reasoning. My prowess at wielding rhetoric was shaped by many debates, with the stakes increasing from owning an Easy-Bake Oven in fifth grade to having an after-midnight curfew in high school.
You can’t change someone’s core views or values
I did learn how to help my parents see eye to eye with my reasoning and work around the rigid structure that they had grown used to and familiar with. But as I grew into my own belief system and perceptions of the world, I learned that how I interpreted those perceptions wasn’t the same as how they did. This was especially true as I began defining ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ on my own terms.
As I continued to grow up, both my parents and I realized that we have a very strong belief in our values, and that sometimes our views don’t line up with one another. We had our share of disagreements, as I’m sure any strong-willed parents with a strong-willed child do, but we both had to accept the fact that we’re different people and we can’t change one another (nor should we). So once I stopped trying to make them agree with me on topics that conflicted with their values, we began to have a more mature relationship.
Love is given and respect is earned
Through everything, from moving across the country multiple times to helping my mom keep our home together during the times my dad was gone for duty to the abrupt awakenings I was given to remind me that (contrary to my pervasive belief) I wasn’t always right, I never doubted that my parents loved me. I know they do. And recently, I’ve been noticing that they also respect me as my own person.
As you might guess, respect is pretty important in the military. Essentially, the whole ranking structure of seniority is based on who has demonstrated initiative, sound judgment and a dedication to getting stuff done. But a higher ranking than another person isn’t enough to command respect from those under or above you. Like any job, it’s possible to treat someone courteously and work with them while also feeling that they haven’t earned your respect.
While I know my parents have always loved me, and that they accepted my autonomy to make many of my own decisions as I went off to college two years ago, I now really feel like they have respect for me as more than their daughter, but as a young woman too. What means as much to me as their respect for my writing and their respect for my decision to pursue an MBA, is the respect that they have for the choices I make that they don’t necessarily agree with.
I’m not cut out to serve
The final lesson I learned from growing up with both of my parents having been in the military is that I myself am not cut out to follow the same path. In a strange way, life in the military gives you a lot of control but it also takes away control from you. For example, you get to travel to incredible places, but that also depends on which base they need you to work. You get housing and other benefits that help you offset the cost of living for you and your family, but the amount of time you actually get to spend with them can be severely restricted by trainings, deployments and other factors outside of your control. These are only a few of the back and forth, give and take examples of military life that I am not selfless enough to overlook. I believe that the men and women who do serve, as well as their loved ones who serve in their own unique ways, are worthy of so much respect and admiration for everything that they do.
I’m incredibly proud to have been raised by my fierce mom and my amazing dad, who continue to give so much to me even after I’ve left home. I’m also incredibly thankful to have had their respect in the different path that I chose in my life. I love you both. Thank you for all the lessons you have taught and continue to teach me.