If you’re a hopeless romantic in college and actively participating in today’s dating pool, chances are you know how bad things are looking right now. It’s scary, chile. Almost everyone’s got a sneaky link, a select few are in something of substance, and everyone else is recruiting their next victims. It’s seriously quite a sight.
Since I was young, I was confident that by now, at the ripe age of 20-something, I would’ve found my person: someone who fits me like a glove, someone who I clicked with instantly, someone I felt I’d known my entire life and everything would be perfect for us. If only six-year-old me could see me now… I’m sad to say she’d be disappointed.
I’d like to place some of the blame on Disney princess movies, fairytales, and things of that nature. The poor girl is a damsel in distress, or maybe she had everything going for her, but a man magically enters her life at a crucial time, and although they might have to experience turmoil, things usually work out in their favor. Next thing you know, they’re madly in love, there’s romance galore, and everything’s sunshine and rainbows and oh-so-sweet.
Sad to say, this has never been my case.
Please, don’t pity me. I have experienced something I thought could have been love – it was love as I thought it to be at the time. Those experiences taught me what I will or will not tolerate, and they were what the universe thought I needed during that season of my life, so I’m grateful for them. I just thought I’d be in a solid relationship where everyone was rooting for us, we knew each other’s friends and families, and the rest would be history. So far, what I’ve been through has fallen very short of that.
Growing up, love has always been expressed to me in ways I couldn’t ignore, in nearly every love language: through verbal expressions, spending quality time, hugs and kisses, and acts of kindness both big and small. Whether it be assurance, encouragement, assistance, or reminders, I never doubted that the members of my family loved me and had my best interest at heart. In my friendships and romantic pursuits, I approach things in a similar fashion.
My friends and sisters know they can ask me for help, and I’ll be there. I let them know I appreciate them and how proud I am of all they do by bragging about their accomplishments. I enjoy giving out hugs, especially if we’ve been apart for a while. Thinking about it, physical touch is my ultimate love language.
My greatest internal battle has proven to be that these expressions of love seem to scare people off, as strange as that sounds. I can admit that I love loudly and fall rather quickly, but the way I see it, they’ve made me comfortable and confident enough around them that these feelings were able to develop, and I’d like to express that in any way I can. Unfortunately, being that everyone does what they do for fear of being played, or made to look stupid, or because there are other people in the picture, my kindness gets taken advantage of. Either that or I go through easily avoidable hardships because I tolerated things I shouldn’t have, in retrospect. Needless to say, it doesn’t get me far. [sad violin song]
Part of me feels as though I am being stunted. Which I hate. I find someone I really like that I think likes me too, but after the butterflies fade and the cupcake stage ends, all I’m left with is someone who maybe likes me and nothing else. I end up holding back, which makes me feel like I could bust out at the seams, and it sucks!
Shortly after getting to know someone and finally linking up with them, I can imagine us together going on museum dates, having study sessions, or driving around in the summer just to spend time in the presence of one another. After the first outing, we should be married! Even with bright red flags in sight, I overlook them in hopes that our feelings will trump everything else. Delusion is just manifestation, if you ask me.
Small activities like that genuinely make the romantic in me feel so delighted. Ideally, people in the movies getting to know one another spend time doing things like this so why can’t I do the same?? I know life is more than the romantic relationships I look forward to, but I also know everyone deserves to feel loved without doubt or condition by someone they chose and who chooses them.
I genuinely think the issue is that people want to feel liberated as they date around, which they’re entitled to, but they assume the next person’s being sneaky, or they get involved with one another before making their needs, wants, and expectations clear with one another.
It’s like everyone’s building their rosters while ensuring the other person isn’t building one as well. My problem is that this doesn’t give anyone the time needed to get to know the person in front of them. Therefore relationships don’t get very far, and you’re left continually comparing your prospects and being disappointed because your favorite one doesn’t give you what the newest one is promising.
You start considering their potential rather than what they’ve actually shown you, which enables you to blindly tolerate the bare minimum or worse. A cycle of distrust and skepticism develops, which can feel nearly inescapable. Literally, 0/10 recommend.
Although disheartening, these situations have granted me some wisdom. If you consider yourself a hopeless romantic like me and have been feeling blue this Valentine’s Day, here are some helpful reminders:
- you deserve a love that doesn’t first require suffering
- Your timing and the universe’s timing are not the same. When and if it is meant to happen, it will.
- There is love waiting for you. Maybe it won’t be discovered while you’re working towards your degree, but there’s no shame in that.
- For now, continue to love on those who love on you.