Recently, I tested positive for covid. It came as a shock because I am vaccinated and boosted and even with the more relaxed masking rules I still chose to mask at the grocery store and around campus. After my first few days of quarantining, I realized that it does not do me any good to try and figure out when or how I could have gotten sick because it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sick.
However, having covid has unlocked a new kind of stress and anxiety that I had never experienced before and one that was really damaging the day I had to message my close contacts from the days prior. As I was typing out these long paragraphs of “I’m sorry” and “please be healthy and safe” I realized that my own sickness I could deal with and get through. But it was the thought that I could have made others sick that started my spiral of negative thoughts. I started to feel as if my friends got sick it would be all my fault and as badly as I want to not be sick anymore I would wish for my friend’s health over my own.
It is a strange feeling knowing that you could have compromised someone else’s health and that they are either going to be fine or they are going to get sick. I still have not fully accepted that there is nothing I can do at this point for the people I was in close contact with. I am doing everything I can now so as not to make others sick. I stay in my room unless I absolutely must leave. I have been wearing a mask in my room at all times and cleaning surfaces regularly to keep my roommate safe. That is the other aspect of it. I feel terrible that the covid policy is that I stay with my roommate despite my being ill. I believe that has increased my anxiety about fearing the worst when it comes to her health.
As someone who is trying to navigate this new kind of anxiety and fear about covid from a perspective I have never experienced before I want to say that I am finding it is okay to feel bad. But please remember that trying your best and doing what you can to stop the spread of covid is all you can do. And sometimes people, including yourself, may get sick and that no one is truly to blame, unfortunately, it just happens sometimes.